Peer Review by Cosmogyral (United States)

Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.

Tap on comment to view. Using a mouse?

Hover over comments to view. On a touch device?

Class Antics

By: madeline3.14159


“Who me?” I asked, doing my best to sound innocent. My job at this point was to keep Marty guessing. I just needed to buy a little bit more time for Josh, my twin brother.
    “Yes you, young sir.” Marty stared down at me through her evil librarian eyes. She wasn’t really a librarian, I just thought she looked like one. I mean, she had the tight bun, glasses, and stern glare.  “This is the fourth time you told me you forgot your pencils in class.”  I smirked at Marty.  Maybe I should have come up with a more creative excuse. “I think you're up to something.”  The humor in the room was evident.  Everybody knew about the trick Josh and I were going to play on Marty. She was that evil sub that nobody liked, not even the janitor. I’m pretty sure the teachers knew not to expect you to get anything done when Marty was your sub. “Young man, I am about to send you to the principal’s office…”  
“Ummm…. I don’t know where the principal’s office is…”  Again, I was using stalling tactics.”  Marty’s lip curled in a way that made her look like a radish. No it didn’t actually. She still looked like the same librarian but just after eating a pickle.  Josh burst into the room, holding his hand shut tight and crying. Marty had excused him just a few minutes later to use the restroom.  All part of the plan.  Josh wailed, screaming at the top of his lungs.  I widened my eyes, rocking back and forth on my legs.  
“What happened to you Josh?” I asked in my best ‘freaked-out’ voice.  I flopped back into my seat and began to wail with Josh. 
     “My brother is dying… Oh no!”  Josh even managed to squeeze a few fake tears out of his eyes. 
    “I cut my hand.” Josh managed to say between wails.  “It burns, oh it feels like fire has cursed me to be it’s eternal fuel. Like the salt from the ocean is doing nothing to douse the flame, only strengthening the pain.” Okay, that was laying on a bit thick. 
    “Let me see.” Marty said, pulling his hand to try to open his grip. 
    “I can’t. It’s too bloody and gruesome. It will blind the eyes of all the innocent children.” This was why Josh should have let me have this part. He was laying it on way too thick. Marty jerked at his hand, and jerked at his hand.  Josh smirked and let her pull it open.  A frog jumped out and onto Marty’s head. The whole class erupted into giggles.  Another success for Josh and I.

Another cringey short story prompt.  Hope you like it :)

Peer Review

I knew kids just like them.

I think you could go with and deepen the reader's interest by letting them make their own inferences. Instead of outright saying that Josh is the character's twin brother, let the librarian briefly confuse them (unless they're not that identical). imagining the scene, let the dialogue do the work, and when the action comes, wack the reader with some amazing detail!

Reviewer Comments

None at the moment, can't wait to read again if you plan a continuation.