Almost three years ago, I found out that I was leaving you. When I told you, you fell apart on the outside while I fell apart on the inside.
You gave me a journal covered in stickers. Inside were instructions to tear out pages, write letters, and send them home to you.
You said it was our last Christmas together, but I didn't think you were right.
Now I'm not sure. You said you didn't ever want to lose touch. You said that you loved me.
Like I said, that was almost three years ago. I thought I would die without you, but here I am- somehow. I didn't die, and neither did you; we lived, and we grew. I've changed more in the last three years than all the years before that. I've broken and healed, I've given up, I've loved, I've discovered...
I have lost and found the light over and over, and you weren't by my side for any of it like I always thought you would be.
But here's the thing:
As every aspect of my old self has faded away, died, and been replaced, one part of me has stayed the same.
(Do you remember the story of the Star-Bellied Sneeches? Well, the two Sneeches wouldn't move for each other, no matter what. They just stood there with eyes locked, meanwhile highways were being build around them. And the whole world changed, but they couldn't move...) In that sense, I am the world, and you are the little Star-Bellied Sneech that I have built myself around. Maria, I have changed, but you are still at the center of it all, never moving. You own that little piece of my heart, and you can't return it. Sorry.
Some days, that little piece feels like a knife. Other days its a splinter. But some days it's like a tiny little candle, and on days like that, you are my only light. When my world is black and completely against me, you're still there between ribs and behind my eyelids.
What kills me, I mean what really kills me, is that you, the one solid piece of me... isn't solid at all. Not anymore.
I know you're still out there, thousands of miles east of where I am. I know you're still there... but I still feel so alone.
It kills me because the most solid piece of me is a memory. I miss you, Maria, or at least who you before I lost you. It kills me because unless you feel the same way I do, unless I am your Star-Bellied Sneech, hen the person I"m missing doesn't exist anymore. Except in my memories.
It kills me because I wasn't there to grow up by your side. I wasn't there for you the way I promised myself I always would be.
There's a 9/10 chance I'm going to rip this up and you'll never read it... because I'm pathetic. I'm terrified. It's not that I've carried on without you; I've carried you with me. It's like you're haunting me. Because I feel like you're here, but you're not.
And here I am, sitting against the lockers in my crowded high school hallway, writing letters in a sparkly, sticker-covered notebook. I have a box of letters that sits on top of my bookshelf, and I open it when I feel like this. And I go back to when life was simple, back to when you cared/missed me enough to let me know every once in a while. I have that picture framed still, and I can't move it.
It kills me because I know that little piece of your heart that has belonged to me- for as long as I can remember- is gone. And I know you probably still want to care, and I know you do care, but I don't see how you could possibly miss me as much as I miss you...
You've grown up just like me. You've outgrown me like a teddy bear. If I am right- then you've just gotten over me- and I'm spending all my time missing someone who only remembers I exist when I make them; and that, my oldest friend, is what kills me.
I don't know if you've forgotten how my heart works, (you used to know better than anyone) but for whatever reason, I will love someone with all of my heart, long after I know they've abandoned me. I did it with Aidan when I was young and stupid, and now I'm doing it with you, except this is much worse. Maybe that means I really am an idiot.
I love as long and as strong as I can, and I keep childish promises.
Maybe that's why I can't stop missing you: because I promised I never would...
But "never" is turning out to be a long time.
I can do it. I can keep carrying you with me forever. I will keep wishing you were here. I will keep daydreaming about the next time we meet and all the beautiful things I will show you... And you will watch the sunset over the mountains, and I will watch the way the light changes your face. The way it turns your eyes from chocolate brown to amber... Maria, I can do it. I will write you letters until this page runs out of pages...
But only if you care what I have to say.
So please, please, please stop me if I'm right. If you've outgrown me, and you're ready to let me go, don't let me drag you with me. If you're happy without me in your life, tell me. Don't think I haven't noticed you changing; of course I have. It has never mattered how many miles or nights have pulled us farther apart, because I still know you your heart beats.
If you let me go, I'll fall apart. I can't stand without a foundation. If you cut me off, all of the dying I've been doing will finally catch up to me, and it might just kill me.
Now maybe I'm just saying this because my depression is worse than ever. Maybe it's because of my grandfather screams louder every day, and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it. I wish he would die sometimes, just so he'll stop suffering and my grandma will stop crying. Maybe it's because I know my mother has lost her sparkle, and everyone around me is falling out of love. Maybe it's school or my social life- you know, I can't really pick one.
But for one if not all of those reasons, I checked yes on a suicide survey today. I need help. Daylight shouldn't hurt this much.
I don't want to kill myself. I could never; I want to live too badly. It's not that my life is too hard, because it's not. It;s that everything I love most is fading away right before my eyes. I can feel you melting like a snowflake in my chest. I don't think I can lose you too, not after all these years.
Yeah, you've missed a lot. The only Haley would never say anything like that, but what can I say? I wouldn't make the jump, but I sit on the edge. I feel like giving up sometimes. I feel like letting go of the world I love because it's fading away. I feel like letting myself fade with it...
So please, if you still care about me, tell me. Tell me on your own, because it's a lot easier to say "I love you too" after someone says it to you first. If I'm really not alone, I am begging you to tell me. Because your letters stopped coming and...
Well I can't really describe how it feels. But I've been sitting here so long it feels like it's nighttime, and I'm wating for a sunrise that forgot to happen.
You're my sister, and I thought you would always be in my life.
All I want to know is if I'm alone in this world or not.
I've talked to counselors, but they don't get me. I've talked to doctors, but they don't know me. I've talked to the stars, but they don't answer me. I've talked to the darkness, but all it does it get darker.
In your response letter, please tell me the truth. You can stay or you can leave. I know I'm the one who left you, but I'm trying here. Please tell me at least that little piece of your heart still knows me.
You know how I feel. You know how you feel.
You know what to do.