HelpMe512

United States

Artist, poet, writer
Ace
He/Him
Transphobes stay out
#BlackLivesMatter
Joined September 2019

"If I wait 'til my tomorrow comes, is the waiting all I've ever done?"
-Ben Platt

Message from Writer

"It's alright, it's okay. You're not a monster just human and you made a few mistakes,"
-It's Alright by Mother Mother

"Know that you are good enough. Please don't give up when things get tough, I know, I know."
-A song from TikTok

a conversation between me and the voice in my head || Mental Health Matters (15)

September 10, 2020

FREE WRITING

15

Italics: my intrusive thoughts
Bold: my logical thoughts
Normal: Myself


hey, school starts next week. how are we gonna deal with going by a new name and pronouns?
you shouldn't deal with it. just don't go, it's easier.
that's not how it works. just email your teachers.
they all will hate you for not telling them in person.
so tell them after class.
no, you can't do that.
why not? just wait until everyone leaves and say it.
you'll look stupid because you can't talk to people.
well, we can always just draft an email. i'm sure that's easier for everyone.
no, no. what if we say the wrong thing and can't take it back because you can't delete what's written?
you can't take back what's said either.
right, so we just don't say or write anything and hope they figure it out.
that's an awful idea. some of them won't figure it out and you'll be dysphoric all class.
it's better than actually talking to someone.
we'll look like an even bigger idiot if we don't say anything.
okay, but what if one of them doesn't use your pronouns or name? then they'll know you're trans and will hate you even more.
if they don't use your pronouns, at least they know and they will look stupid for not using them. it's not your fault.
we'll look stupid if we say anything ever, so the plan is to not say a word the entire year and hope no one notices you.
your grades will go to shit if you do that. just email your teachers, and the worst that can happen is that they don't use your pronouns.
no, the worst that can happen is that they don't use your pronouns, and then hate you for the whole year and fail you because you want to be selfish and complicated.
it's not selfish to want to be comfortable. it's out of your control.
no, you could be cis if you wanted to. you just want attention. we could just go back to normal and you can actually make friends.
this is a real thing, not just for attention because we hate attention. you're not abnormal for wanting to be comfortable. also we will make friends, in time.
who would want to be friends with you? nobody likes you, and you're gonna be the queer freak of the school. you don't want to be seen or heard.
we made friends before, and we can do it again.
that's because you were a happy straight girl. now you're not, so you need to keep your head down and pray you survive.
we can make friends.
no, we can't.
we can do this.
no, we can't.
you worry too much. we'll be fine, everyone says it.
they're lying to you. and i don't worry too much, i just say the hard truth.
i think you're the one lying.
you're just saying that to get us into trouble. if we avoid everything, we won't have to have confrontation.
confrontation is good sometimes. besides, we'll never learn if we don't talk to anyone.
we don't have to learn anything if we always avoid it. now, you WILL NOT do anything to make us look stupid, is that clear?
yes. of course not.
you can't listen to him. he doesn't control you.
no, but my ideas are obviously better. you want to make us look like a fool. i just want to make sure we're not going to do anything to cause anyone else any discomfort.
even at the cost of our own comfort?
better us than them. now, you WILL listen to me.
don't listen to him. you're better than that.
we all know you're not better than that. in fact, you're worse than anyone else. i'm trying to help you.
i know you both want to help me, but please shut up. it's midnight and i need to sleep. please, shut up.
no. you'll never listen to me if i don't stop yelling, so i won't. it's because i'm made out to be the bad guy, but i'm really only here for your survival.
i hate you.
oh, you don't hate me. you hate yourself because i am you. i'm only telling you what you're too weak to face.
please... let me sleep.
oh, we're just getting started.
sorry this one isn't the most upbeat or encouraging. it's really all i can come up with at the moment, since dialogues similar to this have been playing in my head constantly. it's a little difficult to share, but again, i think it needs to be done. if you relate to this, please know that you are not alone, and no matter how harsh or loud that voice gets, you need to listen to your logical thoughts. it's hard to tune out the intrusive thoughts, but let them yell and scream, you just need to scream louder. you got this. remember to take care of yourselves, drink some water, and stay safe <3

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  • September 10, 2020 - 10:14pm (Now Viewing)

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8 Comments
  • Maya'sTired

    I feel this. Hope you're winning the internal arguments, and more power to your logical side. Also, I love how you used the font for this; it worked really well.


    12 days ago
  • Samina

    Stay strong dear! It's hard but everything will be alright!
    Replying: I would love to be notified!
    P. S. There is this site for depression called the depression project. It's been working well for me and maybe you can mention in somewhere in your posts as it might be useful for anyone.
    https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.instagram.com/realdepressionproject/%3Fhl%3Den&ved=2ahUKEwjG38HG1-HrAhVRLBoKHdUICCIQFjADegQIAxAB&usg=AOvVaw2TK_ohnVokDpOr29hqDbRP


    13 days ago
  • lochnessie

    stay strong <3 and good luck!


    13 days ago
  • Jasmine khawar

    Ohh I felt bad for you :( stay strong, everything will be alright, take care and lots of love <3


    13 days ago
  • Abrianna

    Oof, don't worry about it too much, whatever they say, know that it does not matter, because you're a person and you matter! I totally get those annoying thoughts telling us we suck and should just give up. I'm sorry you feel bad right now, it will pass and you will conquer, just be brave and keep writing! Lots of love from,
    Myself:) Keep it up bro!


    14 days ago
  • Lone Wolf

    wow, this captures the terrifying essence of intrusive thoughts so well! <3


    14 days ago
  • rainandsonder

    oh i relate to this so much... i'm not completely out yet and so i put "she/her" for the forms that my teachers give us. i have a plan for coming out and i know that i'm ready to do it, but it's so hard sometimes worrying about whether or not my friends will accept me and what my life will look like being probably the only trans kid in my grade. and i completely relate to the feeling of thinking that you might be faking for attention. even tho i've known that i'm trans for three years, i still sometimes think i might somehow be wrong. anxiety is a liar and a bitch sometimes, stay strong!


    14 days ago
  • Paisley Blue

    <3 dude this is so relatable. I'm really sorry this is going on in your head :( it really sucks. All my love to you <3


    14 days ago