sunny.v

United States

she/her | asian
wtw community’s official older sister
running off into the sunset with circe
est. april 27, 2020

swordwielding protector of all minority groups
satire sorceress, lady knight

she clasps peonies, allure, & love

Message to Readers

i love how my new brand is just dropping a piece every once in a while and sporadically looking at like. five pieces and then dipping lol

a lovely friend told me that golden ages come and ago in these parts. the downturns in the cycle may be icky, but we just have to stick around long enough for some to leave, some to come. and then, things begin to shine again. i hope they will. i know i'll be here to see if it does.

growing up on the cinema screens

September 9, 2020

FREE WRITING

17
My mother used to have me count sheep to fall asleep.

That was when my insomnia first started making its appearance, I guess. And it worked sometimes, you know? I was a kid back then. And it’s always the case that you feel like anything works when you’re a kid.

But I’m still an insomniac, and I’m still young, but not a kid. Not anymore, I don’t think. Because there’s being young in the counting sheep and daisies and band-aids over scraped knees type of way, and then there’s being young in the silver screen and movie scene and AP textbook doodles and constant anger “viva la revolution” type of way. In the turning-sixteen-next-month type of way. And I am. Young in the latter way, that is. And turning sixteen next month.

The thing about growing up is that it’s a journey, and not the cheesy type in the typical coming of age teenage movies. Not my journey, at least. The movie journey feels like there’s some sort of fanfare or background to tell them that “This is the point where you change. This is where you get better or worse. This is where you take it, or don’t.” My journey feels like there’s no “marked” scene where I change: I’m in a constant state of change. Of growing up. There’s no scene for me to mark it, no breathing space or a director or a take-five. Just a flurry of tape reel and improv and doing my best to make my own future plot and stick to it with the lines I’ve been given. And I can rewind past scenes in my head and wish I were there instead, but that’s all I can do—rewatch them. Not replay them. The only way I can go is forward.

I used to get really, really sad as a kid when characters died in a movie. My mom consoled me by telling me that the actors got paid the sooner they died in the film, so I should be happy that they got to go home early and get money sooner. And if we’re going with this cinema analogy of growing up, then that seems like a dangerous fact to relate to my journey. And I’ve been there, once or twice, or…well, my mom also tells me that it’s human to go there, sometimes. We just need to get out there. Stay in the movie.

A friend told me that he thought it was beautiful that I had such a love for life. Not even just life, but also a love for people in general. I didn’t think it was all that beautiful—bites you in the butt when you’re talking to someone that clearly doesn’t love for people in general like you do, if you get what I mean by that. I didn’t say anything to him, but I did send him a heart as a thank you. I hope I stay this way. My God, I hope I stay this way. I hope this world doesn’t take that away from me. I care so much and it hurts me sometimes, but I hope growing up, this dumb movie journey plot, doesn’t change that about me.

I feel it slipping, sometimes. Maybe the scriptwriters’ way of weeding out the Achilles’ heel of my character. I cry, sometimes, for someone else’s pain, but nowadays, I find myself looking away instead. Self-preservation of the heart.

(But I do cry, later. For them. And I think it’s when the scriptwriters aren’t looking.)

And I feel myself going through some sort of character arc, which is inevitable—all people grow. It’s just how the movie works. But I hope my arc goes upwards. I hope my character—not as in the movie character, silver screen type of character, but the golden morals, personality character—gets shinier along the way. I hope I can navigate this without losing some of myself in the process. I hope I can still love people without being tired. I hope I still fight the good fights. But for now, I don’t know. I really don’t. I’m changing. I’ve changed. I will change.

And I don’t know how to tell my mother that counting sheep to fall asleep doesn’t work for me anymore.
alt title: coming of age on the silver screen. i'm not very good at writing things about a lot of my more? inner/vulnerable thoughts, i guess? maybe expect more like this. <3

Print

See History
  • September 9, 2020 - 10:38pm (Now Viewing)

Login or Signup to provide a comment.

9 Comments
  • inanutshell

    reading this again & still loving it. glad you're sharing these vulnerable thoughts sunny <3


    3 months ago
  • Writing4Life

    Re: Ok! Tell me if you change your mind :) That's fine :P


    3 months ago
  • FantasyOtter12

    Reply: Of course!! Thanks for the comment <3


    3 months ago
  • Dmoral

    reply:
    ack, sunny you're wonderful and i'll def keep an eye out ;), and tbh, same. i haven't really fully read any of the "if ... were people" pieces, just kinda skimmed them--Oops


    3 months ago
  • Writing4Life

    Re: Thanks! Is there a piece of yours you want me to review?


    3 months ago
  • ek503

    asdfjhg yep. still a stunning piece.


    3 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Wow. I really really felt this. It's stunning.

    Also. The new golden age is coming, if we let it. I'll be here.


    3 months ago
  • Paisley Blue

    Wow, absolutely stunning. So raw and real. I dont have words... this is amazing <3 all my love


    3 months ago
  • chrysanthemums&ink

    dropping in from school, took a little bit to reread this. gosh, still hits as hard as it did back then. raw emotion and ughhh this is so good. on a different note, i envy your prose :) <333


    3 months ago