Peer Review by rainydayz (United States)

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It’s Not Ladylike

By: ChocolateKiwi

    I hold my notebook close to my chest as I walk along the dirt path. I’ve walked this a million times in my life, but today is going to be different. Today is July 20, 1848 and today I hope will make history. I hope today will be the first day that more people will finally start to realize that women should have the right to vote, and that girls should be allowed to go to school. Today I hope the Declaration of Sentiments is signed. Not just for me, but for all of the girls and women that come after me.
    She sits on the her mother’s bed holding her hand close to her chest.
    “Mama,” She starts, “ I don’t want you to go, I love you, please don’t leave.” 
    “Annie,” Her mother starts quietly while each word is a cough, “ I love you, I wish I could stay. The doctor said there’s no cure and I want to tell you something before I go.” Her mother pulls Annie’s hand closer, Annie kneels down beside the bed.
    “Annie, I want you to know to always be yourself, always look at the good in the situation. Annie, always remember that you can do what you want to do. You can become the person you want to be. You can learn from your mistakes and move past them. Annie, I love you and remember I’ll be watching over you.” Her mother said even quieter but she sounded fierce and with that was her last sentence ever spoken.
I step into the church hall where everyone was gathered. I could see about a few hundred people all crowded. Today there were men too. Men that cared about women’s rights and not men that only cared about power. Yesterday only women were allowed to attend. 
    I thought about Henry and how he should be here to see this but he’s at college learning to become a world famous doctor. 
  Annie snuck out of the house for the fourth time in a row to meet Henry for what he calls “school” but really he just talks about what he learned that day and helps Annie learn it too.
    Ever since her mom died she wasn’t allowed to learn anything. If her father caught her reading she had to make dinner without the help of her two younger sisters.
    Annie had a journal that kept all her ideas for books and for she’s even written a few reports in it about how women should be treated equally and how they should be allowed to vote. 
    Annie walked through the field to the forest and sat down at the tree her and her brother agreed would be their secret hiding spot. She took out her journal and started to write. She wrote about how she heared that a women’s rights convention was to be held in her own town and how she will be able to attend.
    That night Annie talked to Henry about how in two days he’ll be off to college and she’ll be stuck at home not learning anything at all.
    Then she thought about the convention and asked her brother, “ Do you think I could go to the women’s rights convention?” 
    “Annie, remember what mama told you?” Henry asked.
   “Yeah kind of.” Annie answered quietly.
    “She told you that you can do whatever you want to do be whatever you want to be. Now what is it that you want to do?” Henry asked.
    “I want to go to the women’s rights convention” Annie answered with confidence.
    “Then that’s what you’re going to do, right?” He said.
     As I sat down I pulled open my notebook and started to write. I wrote down everything I saw, from the people standing and talking to the piece of paper in the front. I soon spotted my best friend Clara and waved her over. 
    “Is this seat taken?” She asked in her sweet tender voice. 
    “No” I answered moving over a little so she could get in. The church was filled with people, most of them we’re from around here but some didn’t look so familiar. I wasn’t the shy girl in town, actually I knew almost everyone. I see people around at the market or outside drying their laundry, I say hi sometimes and they say hi back, then a conversation like “how are you’re brothers?” And so on.
    People started to sit down or stand in the back because there wasn’t a lot of room, I heard a voice come from behind and saw her, Elizabeth Cady Staton. She went up to the front of the church cleared her throat and began reading the pieces of paper in front of her. I soon realized that they were the declaration of sentiments. After she read each one she asked people to come up and sign it. There were about 68 women that signed it including me, and about 32 men that signed it. 
    I remember when father told me that no women will ever be able to vote and now today that might come true. 
    I walked out feeling happier than I’ve felt in a long time. 

Message to Readers

Review for Review? Any reviews or comments are appreciated! Also any title ideas!

Peer Review

Overall, I think the write does a good job showing the reader that time period. She mainly does this in small details such as the dads view points on women’s rights. Although, I would have liked to see a little more. I would recommend looking up information about the time period itself for this, and add information as details about maybe a popular food, item of clothing, or tradition of the late 1840s.

The main character is troubled by the suppression she and other females of the time faced due to their gender. She has a misogynistic dad that does not see her as an intelligent young adult. Id love to she the writer dive a little deeper into how this struggle in born in the roots of her passion for this cause. Was her mother treated poorly by her father before she became ill or even during? Has her future aspirations been denied because of her gender?

I ask that you look through the highlighted regions of text, for I add a lot of information for this question with in that. In addition, I think you do extremely well with having a purpose in everything you do in this piece. I think everything connects wonderful, but I would have like you to take a moment every once and a while in the piece to really let the reader get to know this character on a deeper level. How was her upbringing? How did this effect her view point later on in life?

I know you have a great piece already. You have a good foundation, so now all that’s left is to make the piece phenomenal. There may be times when you get stuck, and if so feel free to reach out to me. I’d love to help.

Reviewer Comments

Don’t forget these are just suggestions that I think could help the piece get to the next level, but I’m not an expert. You should be super proud of the piece you have created so far. Please let me know when you post your updated version. I can’t wait to read it! also, i personally like the title you have already created. :)