Peer Review by doodleninja (United States)

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immortality

By: Ibex


FREE WRITING

she’s stopped keeping track of the years, staring up at the stars on cool nights and wondering what lies beyond the milky way, if the universe stretches on forever. she plucks daisies in the meadows and braids dandelions into her hair. she remembers the fountain of youth, how the water trickled down her fingers as she cupped her palms beneath the flow, sipping the draught of honeysuckle and summer peaches. now youth stains her tongue bright with sour sugar. she is immortal, a dream of a long-lost past, floating along the tender hillsides in search of meaning. far beyond, embers rise among the fireflies and settle themselves into the midnight sky.


Message to Readers

please review!


Peer Review

I love how in this little paragraph you start to delve deep into the consequences of becoming immortal, and the hidden dark side to it. I thoroughly enjoyed all the beautiful vocabulary and strong verbs that formed a clear image in my mind, so amazing job on that!


I basically already said this in the comments in the piece, but you could definitely expound on this trap of immortality even more. Right now, I'm still not completely sure how this girl feels about being immortal, if she still thinks she made the right decision, so if you added some more about that, it would make the piece all the better.


Reviewer Comments

Overall, stunning piece with a poignant theme! I hope this review helped somewhat XD
Happy writing!