Peer Review by NaiadIna (Australia)

Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.

Tap on comment to view. Using a mouse?

Hover over comments to view. On a touch device?


The Prize

By: BlueWolf476


FREE WRITING

They are odd people. Wearing smiles like jewelry, teeth shining like gems. I was met with kind eyes that twinkled with the wisdom of the universe. The politeness was a foreign thing I needed it to survive. I clung to the civil words and concerned looks like a child to soft toy.

Someone handed me a golden glass filled with a transparent substance. They gently coaxed it to my swollen lips. I swallowed. As I sipped I felt the liquid blaze like fire down my throat. Leaching in to my bloodstream. They sat grinning. I saw the smiles for what they were. Deranged, evil filled with poison. The liquid haltingly drained my life force. I felt each organ succumb to the polluting liquid. Blood spurted out of my gaping mouth. Blood splattered onto their polished shoes. My life force was being drained out drip by drip like water out of a bath. They crowded around me and chanted in unison, "there is no room for non-believers."

I felt my spirit sob as my body died. It teared from it's bindings. I became nothing. Insignificant. I saw my limp and lifeless body. Still and cold on the floor beneath me. I was a silver shining phantom. I clutched the umbrella handle like a lifeline as it pulled me up to the light. The ground was unimaginably small as my umbrella pulled me further up into the sky. I gasped as the blue sky teared. Parting to reveal a black hungry monster of a tunnel. It sucked me down into it's threatening depths. I fell, the light of the sun not brave enough to follow me.


Panting, my legs shaking in the breeze. Rain poured onto the strangers matching the tears flowing down my cheeks.

This is a bit of strange fiction. I'm not sure about the title and am very open to suggestions. I'm not sure about this piece to be honest but oh well.

Peer Review

I really loved that image of her being pulled into the sky by the handle of an umbrella. What an imaginative way to depict death! This was a heavy story about cult indoctrination, but it was oddly peaceful, too.


I'd like some hints as to why and how she ended up in this position in the first place. You say her lips are swollen, and she seems a little tired, but we don't know why.


Reviewer Comments

I really like this! Please keep writing. I hope my feedback was helpful and I'd love to read your next draft if you write one :)