Peer Review by Minvra (United States)

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If I'm Real

By: Abrianna


"Hi, what's your name?" at the question she paused, 'Who will I be this time. Myself? Oh, I could never,' she thought.
"Hey, I'm Abrianna." 
The conversation went on as normal, until she asked something she was wondering all along, she wanted to show herself, because she thought, he at least will understand,
"What do you think of life?" she asked him. "Life?" he asked "I'm not sure I understand." she cringed, "Oh, of course you don't, I was just wondering if you ever thought life was just not worth it, because in books, you see, life was so much different.. 
There was Courage, Love, Sacrifice, Honor. And now, why now, everyone is so, so mediocre, and sensitive, and only a few are brave and there is not much real love left in the world because no one sacrifices there own time to spend on others, and people lie and no one has honer, and Oh, I am so tired of all this and all I want to do is sink into a book, and forget who the world is because I am a part of it. Everyone blames everything on society, when they are a part of society! And I have no friends because I can't be a part of them because their is such shallowness in the world, it makes it hard for me to breathe!" She paused, and he why, he didn't back up, or laugh like she was a child, but his eyes showed tears and he said, "I completely agree with you."
She smiled and thought her world complete, but only for a few weeks, and then he faded away too, and she why, she vowed never to give herself up to be hurt again. She sank further into her books, and writing, and thoughts...Since it was there alone that she was able to find the beautiful courage, and the selfless love that she craved to see...

Peer Review

I think this is trying to express the cycle of trying to be vulnerable, and closed off. No one seems to be vulnerable or those who are, aren't around a lot. So why would people have an incentive to be open again? On the other hand those who do try are discouraged, so it's a cycle. The things we read may or may not be exaggerated or it's the writer being vulnerable and they feel special, the reader I mean. People already have the impression society sucks so...

I think it's a matter of playing with the order which sentences are. And compressing the words/sentences. Like, which sounds more effective with your intent? I can definitely hear the rhythm. She's on a tangent, she's nervous, and trying to get everything out before she chickens out or maybe gets interrupted. Maybe because she needs that weight off. However, it's a little difficult to read the large text. Maybe you can compress and reduce the dialogue? And have a couple more pauses where she breathes. For instance, you can have her pause before she says "Oh, I am so tired of all of this..." and have her run a hand through her hair. That could indicate weariness. What type of hair does she have? That sort of things.

Reviewer Comments

I love the message. It truly indicates this sort of perpetuation we have. How social we are or vulnerable or maybe why we're not so open.