Peer Review by Huba Huba (United States)

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I See The Future

By: ChocolateKiwi


PROMPT: The Unseen

I see it,
But you don't.
I see the stars in the night sky.
While you see the clouds hiding the sun.
I see the smile upon their face.
While you see the sadness.
I see the trees colored as they used to be.
While you see the still dried up leaves.
I see the water sparkling.
While you see water still polluted.  
I see people going to school.
While you see people scrounging for food. 
I see handshakes going all around.
While you see fighting and arguing. 
I see animals that have a home.
While you see forests being cut down. 
I see medicine for cancer.
While you see people dying.
I see the future,
While you see now. 
 

120 wrds 

Message to Readers

Anyways to improve this is appreciated! I hope this is what the prompt meant. Please tell me what you think, and any titles ideas too!


Peer Review

All the lines are very meaningful, but I like the last one the most, "I see the future, while you see now." It's short yet powerful.


Please refer to the parts I highlighted.
Who are "I" and "you?" Are you implying that "I" is a positive view of the world and "you" is a negative view, or "I" is a wise person and "you" is a narrow-minded person? If so, I think that "I see the smile upon their face while you see the sadness" is a little contrary. I've read many stories where people had to hide their true emotions behind a smile, as it's a common theme. If "I" is the wiser view (which I inferred from the last line) it should be "I" seeing the emotions behind the smile.
I like how you capture many different things that are "unseen," and this piece has a very good idea!


Reviewer Comments

Keep up your work, keep on writing. Good job on this one! Don't be discouraged from my many points of possible improvement, I simply believe that for writers to improve, it's better for them to receive more criticism than compliments, and I do what I want others to do for me.