rat in a hat

United States

i'm pretentious and annoying but i think that's okay, i own two lava lamps. i love spider-man, ABBA, anything muppet-related, bill and ted, and john everett millais' rendition of ophelia. i hate sitcom laugh tracks.

chaotic good

Message from Writer

love your friends and be as stupid as you can be <2

if we had never left the common couch, my dear,

August 27, 2020

FREE WRITING

10

i miss the feeling of my laces pulled taut against the pads of my fingers
looped tightly between my index and thumb
you remember polaroids. you talk about it constantly
the click of the camera and the blinding light of your friends’ smiles
me, i miss the even simpler things
like putting my converse on (when they used to fit me, of course) and climbing trees
it’s that canvas sensation against my toes
it is. it is. i don’t know why, but it is
because i cannot climb a tree the same in any other pair of shoes

me, i don’t miss polaroids because i only have three
one, a memory lost to the ether of resignation (that’s where broken hearts go, by the way. you’ll know this too if you ever find yourself capable of letting go)
two, posed for a party we shouldn’t have had, not because it wasn’t allowed but because we didn’t know each other like we did once upon a very murky time
three, smiling like the world could burn around our teacher’s house and we would simply stand in her kitchen forever
i think, if i had it my way, i would still be standing in that kitchen now

i don’t remember polaroids, though i bought the fairy lights to hang them from
they were only ten feet in length and i was young
young and hopeful and i thought ten feet wouldn’t be enough wire for all our captured memories
but it’s been years since the lights were hung (my cat chewed the ends and i’ve never tried to light them up again. i’ve never needed to)
and the only polaroids i can call to mind are yours
and frankly, all three of my polaroids are yours too
that’s how it always was.
because everything you shared with me was a privilege, or a gift, and never something i could hold in my hands for long before you changed your mind
we signed a renter’s agreement and you forgot to tell me you already owned the apartment complex

i miss shoelaces
i don’t think i need to go into it, but i will
i miss ladders and balancing acts in our old school playground
i miss running far away and pretending, when i reached my furthest point, that i would never come back
i miss having nostalgia that did anything besides break my heart into eighteen pieces
(one for every year i wished with all my heart for tragedy, and one for the year i realized i already knew how that felt)
when i buy a new pair of converse
neon green, lavender laces
i will slip them on, one, two,
easy peasy like i didn’t have to learn how to tie my shoes three separate times
and i will forget everything before that moment
and i will not miss the feeling of my laces pulled taut against the pads of my fingers anymore

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  • August 27, 2020 - 1:22pm (Now Viewing)

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8 Comments
  • ek503

    asdljfhadskjb this is absolutely breathtaking, wow


    3 months ago
  • rainandsonder

    "three, smiling like the world could burn around our teacher’s house and we would simply stand in her kitchen forever", "we signed a renter’s agreement and you forgot to tell me you already owned the apartment complex", "and i will not miss the feeling of my laces pulled taut against the pads of my fingers anymore" agh i love this?? it's so melancholy and aches way down in the deepest parts of your chest. i agree with anne blackwood, i don't think i'd be ready for you to leave, i love reading your poetry so much! do you have a prose account?


    3 months ago
  • Paisley Blue

    Wow this is so breathtaking and nostalgic. I absolutely love this <3 amazing piece!


    3 months ago
  • RemovedUser1

    Oh, this is beautiful. I... I... I don’t have words.


    3 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Wait, are you 19? Please don't let that be true. I don't think I can let go of your poetry so soon.


    3 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    I can't decide whether this makes me want to laugh, sing, or cry. You never fail to astonish me with your beautiful writing style, and this piece, in particular, leaves me breathless in a way that makes me want to read it over and over.


    3 months ago
  • FantasyOtter12

    Lol I love your username... This piece is great!!


    3 months ago
  • outoftheblue

    "i miss shoelaces
    i don’t think i need to go into it, but i will
    i miss ladders and balancing acts in our old school playground
    i miss running far away and pretending, when i reached my furthest point, that i would never come back" how can something be so sweetly nostalgic and introspective at the same time? i truly do not have the words to accurately compliment your poetry other than the fact that it is absolutely stellar.


    3 months ago