all the things i dream of--part 5

note: read parts 1, 2, 3, and 4 first if you haven't already, since this is a collection of poems.

today's poem, titled "what if", leaves me kneeling, wearing grooves in the wood floor, crying and waiting for hope but knowing there can never be any hope for me. all the while, though, the wind sings of secrets not far beyond my reach, truths sealed away in a locked drawer, and one who has the key.

tonight there are things i don’t forget
an end of an era a change in the wind
whistling through the darkness of twilight
singing and dancing and twirling my hair
lost in a dream of another reality
where all this never came to pass
waking to the reality of death lingering
rotten animals decomposing on my
doorstep and how did they drag their
broken bones onto the doormat anyway
sweep the remnants away and wait
for death i will surely surely surely die
but the wind sings of a hope repeating
risen Lamb risen Lamb risen Lamb
i’ve rinsed off the blood but the scent
washes through my nostrils i can’t
forget that night golgotha torches and
nails held between my fingers pressed
to wood hammered into flesh no no no
i did it killed the king waded in blood
my fingers are stained with the stench
of iron i can’t rid myself of the shame
what have i become? an animal but
the wind whispers of a hope spreading
rising with the new morning and
leaking into the old creaky pipes
risen Lamb risen Lamb risen Lamb
lamb as if there could ever be a sacrifice
for me i’ve fallen too far too far too far
but what if? what if it’s true and there’s
hope even for me what if what if
a knock i glance at the door and wonder
if i should answer i feel a push deep
within a hand not my own prodding me
answer i rise and limp fasten my blood
stained fingers around the doorknob