Dmoral

United States


est. 2018
she/her | junior
semi active; chaotic life.
published writer + classics enthusiast.
obsessed with name titled poetry & songs.

Message to Readers

typos, republishing for lack of new material

hand sanitizer // OCD // never ending

September 14, 2020

FREE WRITING

16

touching touching touching
the handle of the sanitizer has germs on it from the previous hand
that needed it; and i know it’s  okay ’cause i can touch it just to clean it
(they say, it gets worse before it gets better) but i can’t take that,
so after i touch it i pump it again and then i touch it again and then i pump it
again and then i think about pouring i down my mouth when you look at me
like that. then the thoughts consume me:  like, why do we kiss?  i don’t want
your tongue anywhere near my mouth ever again; because i know there’s
millions of germs exchanged  between little contact and i wonder if you’re the
kind who doesn’t brush their teeth before and after bed and then again. then,
i watch her and every fiber of me wants to scream: take a wipe to your face, take a wipe,
wipe your face, wipe your damn face. 
since the makeup she paints all over her
just spreads the unyielding diseases that i know are pricking her skin and i know 
it's living just to be her dying so i know she needs to take a wipe to her face. 
so everyone else calls me crazy; mother tells me, needing help isn't easy but
it'll make me better
; then there's you, you just stare at me and ask, how does this
make you feel? 
as you touch my hand. and i just want to pump more sanitizer
over and over and over and over and over and over and again, but then i’d touch
the top again and need to start over until i think about my heart wanting to kiss
you again but then regretting it since my mind knows better than to exchange
unpleasantries through (it's not word of mouth, it's far worse than that) the
bodies of our being. and my flesh burns from the sanitizer stinging it and
i read it kills both the good and bad germs (or so my father says) but i told him,
it can try to kill them all, but they’ll never end; so i’ll reach for the pump again
and slap it on my hands, then reach for the pump again because i just touched
the germs again.
and as this keeps happening, i feel your eyes peeling the layers
of my skin back as if you’re searching for where the germs are hidden and i know
there’s something wrong with me but i can’t begin to understand it until i’m clean:
rid me of the dirty thoughts consuming me & rid me of the germs overtaking my body
& rid me of everything that isn’t naturally apart of me & then rid me of that
and let me start again
.
lowercase & repetition intentional.
Finished: 8/22/2020
Shout out to John Green's novel, Turtles All the Way Down, which I read last year and it absolutely killed me. Gosh, it was so good and brain wavering. Personally, I don't suffer from OCD, but I do kind of live off of hand sanitizer, so there's that. Anyway, please enjoy, this piece was a "free write" inspired off of the first line + hand sanitizer (which I thought of in the shower). PSA to people suffering from OCD and/or other mental problems: Please don't hesitate to seek help! There are hundreds of wonderful programs and people and centers willing to help!

Feedback very much appreciated! Please comment: favorite lines, how this made you feel, what you loved, etc! If you review, I'm up for as much constructive criticism you can give me!

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  • September 14, 2020 - 8:14am (Now Viewing)

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4 Comments
  • Paisley Blue

    wow stunning... so powerful and true


    3 months ago
  • ek503

    alsdkghdj absolutely stunning once again
    "so after i touch it i pump it again and then i touch it again and then i pump it again and then i think about pouring i down my mouth when you look at me like that." ahh the tension you showed with the repetition in this line and the whole poem just felt so tangible and raw
    "rid me of the dirty thoughts consuming me & rid me of the germs overtaking my body
    & rid me of everything that isn’t naturally apart of me & then rid me of that and let me start again." beautiful beautiful ending that wraps up this masterpiece perfectly


    3 months ago
  • rainandsonder

    i had a friend with OCD that presented itself in this way, overuse of hand sanitizer, and it really is a scary thing. i second everything chrys said, this poem feels achingly real and you can really feel the narrator's self-awareness and terror in every beautifully written line. also, yes, i love "turtles all the way down"!


    3 months ago
  • chrysanthemums&ink

    oml oml oml so first of all i just love how rambly this is. something like stream of consciousness, like frantic thoughts. the repetition is really well done here too! but god, this piece is just... pretty relatable. hand sanitizer is seriously a saving grace, and i'm not sure if it's just some sort of placebo at this point. "i think about pouring i down my mouth when you look at me / like that." adlfkjas;dlj that imagery was just so frickin real and i love it. shower thoughts! but seriously, i think this is one of those pieces that are so cohesive that you can't name any one line for summing it up perfectly without discrediting another one. every word works in tandem to bring us this masterpiece, and i especially love how "relatable" it is. seriously adore this. <333333


    3 months ago