crow_e

United States

23 neurotic crows in a recycled flesh suit
he/him || 17 || intp-t || lgbtq+
prosaic poet & sci-fantasy fiction writer
community ambassador alum [summer 2020]
published in wtw review issue 2.2
standing in solidarity with those angry

Message to Readers

link to part one [read first!]: https://writetheworld.com/groups/1/shared/186227/version/375985

and calls you by a name now unknown || Pretty Little Thing pt. 2

August 23, 2020

FREE WRITING

12

 your deadname has come up more in the past week than it has in the past year
["x?"         "i go by y" 
 "x?"          "it's y, and here"
 "x?"  "x?"   "...here"]
and you feel your legs shudder when she says it
[can't let any other part of yourself shake or she'll see it, the camera is on]

it looks foreign on paper, on screens, when you're seeing it, 
but you hear it and it sets off a visceral rattle in your spine,
the syllables crawling under your skin and taking root in your nervous system
[by god you are a system of nerves at this point,
anything could stall the breath in your lungs just a second long enough to be noticeable and
you can't let her see; you can't let anyone see]

you don't remember the rest of the conversation.
it goes in one ear and out the other, echoing a bit in your brain on the way. 
when it's over, you hang up, nearly collapse over your computer,
and breathe breathe breathe 
hug your chest and remind yourself
as long as you are breathing you are fighting 
and you are not done fighting. 

but you still can feel "you'll always be my baby girl" pooling in the bottoms of your lungs hours later.
i am putting my pronouns back in my bio without fear because I Am Tired Of Feeling Silenced and if people find out then Oh Well I Will Deal With It. 

part one is here
me, the dumbass, forgot to save before reloading. oops! rewrote this footnote

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  • August 23, 2020 - 5:34pm (Now Viewing)

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2 Comments
  • rainandsonder

    every day i'm so glad that i don't have a deadname (my parents gave me a gender neutral name at birth so i didn't have to change it) but this is exactly how i feel when someone misgenders me. you capture that feeling so well, especially in the second paragraph and the line "hug your chest and remind yourself/as long as you are breathing you are fighting/and you are not done fighting." this is so incredibly powerful and i'm sorry that this stuff happens to you too.


    3 months ago
  • Paisley Blue

    :( im sorry about this. If anyone refuses to call you your name, please let me know and I will make sure they remember.
    Not trying to threaten, but...
    This makes me sick. Why can't people understand?? Ugh I want to give you a hug because no one should have to go through this. I'm sorry and I really hope things change. Sending all my support and love <3


    3 months ago