Peer Review by EdilMayHampsen (United States)

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My Friend Naomi

By: asphyxiated


“Naomi! Come play!”

The window was frosted with a thick film of dust and grime. I could hardly see her, but I knew she was in there- I could hear her crying. Two years thinking I knew somebody, and the truth turned out to be just as ugly and dispiriting as the mold growing on the walls of her bedroom. 

My heart pounded savagely as I turned away. Though I was only a child, I quickly realized how lucky I was. I ran home as fast as I could, but I had nothing to run from. Naomi did.


Message to Readers

Please review this if you have a chance!


Peer Review

I can tell early on that something is wrong, especially with "as ugly and dispiriting as the mold growing on the walls of her bedroom." and it really made me want to finish the piece.


When explaining that Naomi is in trouble. I just get the most gut-wrenching feeling something is very wrong even though I don't know many details. It's brilliant.
(After rereading a bit more I think Naomi was replaced with a monster?)


The transition between the second paragraph where the speaker realizes what's wrong and the third where she runs away could use a transition. Could a sentence be added towards the end of the second paragraph that indicates something dawned on the speaker? after rereading this is clear, but I think messing with the idea could help strengthen the piece.


This is so cool! I love how you make me imagine a super scary scene (in a run-down house in the foggy forest, though you don't say that) with just some very choice description words "ugly, dispiriting, dust, grime, mold"
Your hook is great, dialogue is always a good starter and it moves from hook to conflict quickly. I could gush about this piece for ages.


Reviewer Comments

Really strong piece here, shocking and fun. Good luck in the competition!