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♕ | she/her | est. 2018
summer hiatus coming soon.

Message to Readers

so many freakin' typos, my baddd


dad, can u hold me like u did when i was little? i need that right now.

August 8, 2020



i don’t have a key chain name, you knew that when you adopted me; sometimes, i wonder if it’s the first thing you noticed about me. i don’t much care though, because you love me anyway. my strongest memory of you telling me so is when i asked you why i was brown when our whole family was so pale, ‘caucasian’ i think you told me (that little detail is blurry, sorry). you explained to me i'm beautiful and every in the family wants my tan skin and my blood dad left me but that doesn't matter because you loved me. you loved me and that's all that really, ever, truly matters. and you reminded me this a thousand times in a single minute while holding me, hugging me, your rough calloused hands surprisingly soft against my coloured skin.

dad, can you hold me like you did back then, when you told me you loved me and my looks had nothing to do with it? 'cause, i need that right now. life's so confusing and painful, i just feel like- no, i need to start- crying, right now. my hearts in a million pieces, and, i know it'll scratch up your hands, but can you please pick them up and hold them together?

it's partly because of this boy who broke my heart. daddy, i loved him, and he left me. and loving him was like cutting onions, i was always crying (i knew you'd like that metaphor); though, i thought it was temporary. he's my everything, or i thought he was; since he's gone, i don't much anymore. and i don't want to think of a future without him in it, even though he's broken my heart, because honestly? he helped me discover it; simply, he was my first love, i believe it. but what's worse, is whenever i'm not hurting over him, i'm hurting over her.

dad, i met a girl- and she's bloody brilliant. she knows i'm a writer, and the best part is, she is too. but not everyone knows the true existence of her writing, most have only ever really touched the surface. whenever i read her work, it's like finding parts of your soul in word form, strung together in a poem she presents to you in a way that makes you think you've never known yourself. and even then, she's more than the words handcrafted by her heart. she's outrageously smart, i can't keep up (though i pretend and attempt to, because i'm the older one). talking to her is like a breath of fresh air and when i need her most, she's the human version of home. at one point, i almost told her i loved her. i held back because i think she would believe it meant something else entirely, and say it back in a different form. but the main reason i held back was because i'm not even sure what it means. i've never felt like this with a girl before - not even a single one of my boyfriends (including him). i know i love her, but the proper words to tell her are nonexist because they're foreign to my unknowing mind. but i do know this, she makes me question everything. yes, i know grandma raised you by the bible and jesus is the colour you bleed, but please, if loving her means i’m sapphic, will you still love me? ‘cause if there’s anyone on this damned planet i need most, it’s you, dad. i could live an eternity in misery without her, but without you, i wouldn’t be able to live at all.

so please, daddy, please- hold me, hug me, be there for me. because out of everybody, i need you more than anything. and right now, i'm crying tears and questioning everything and believe that sylvia path's life will consume me: dark poetry, mental institutions, people slapping me with the words crazy, tragic endings. and no, i'm not scaring of dying; it's the living that scares me. what if i haven't lived my life enough? i won't ever stop fighting to breath, but i just want to know that it's worth it and i won't regret anything.

dad, i love you; please, take me back to when i was little and you holding me would solve everything.
lowercase intentional.
Finished: 8/5/2020
Word Count: 723 (holy crap, what happened?)

Finally found a way to use 75% of the one-liners on my phone. And I'm not depressed, I just need a good cry, yk? I'm okay, honestly, I just really love my Dad. To those who don't have as good as relationships with their dad (personally, I'm a daddy's girl-ok? i admit it), I'm sorry. Truly. I hope you have somebody because you deserve somebody. 

Also, speaking of the boy situation: we're never really more than words | edited & republished


See History
  • August 8, 2020 - 5:11pm (Now Viewing)

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  • Minvra

    Why did I have to read this with contacts on? Why? I'd say I'm a more mommy's child. And I remember the fears I still have.
    "Dad, I love you; please, take me back to when I was little and you holding me would solve everything." Such simple, complex words.

    6 months ago
  • katnissromanoff

    This is so emotional and beautiful and I teared up while reading it. You fit so much, love of beauty into this. Oh my gosh, I love it so much.

    6 months ago
  • anemoia (#words)

    wow. this. this line: "my hearts in a million pieces, and, i know it'll scratch up your hands, but can you please pick them up and hold them together?"
    my goodness, you gave me chill and anguish and heartbreak.

    6 months ago
  • mirkat

    woah. wow. i... i started crying by stanza two and now i can't stop... this is so emotional and lovely and kinda nestles deep in my heart and soul and fractures it a bit but in a good way? the tugging, ya' know? gosh. where to start? well the emotion and words and metaphors are brilliant, just brilliant. and the way you described that girl... and your dad... i'm a daddy's girl, too, i think. he gets me. and this: "and no, i'm not scaring of dying; it's the living that scares me. what if i haven't lived my life enough? i won't ever stop fighting to breathe, but i just want to know that it's worth it and i won't regret anything." i get this, i am this wow, i am always always enraptured by your writing. it's so vivid and full and emotional.... sigh. it'll be okay. i know we don't know each other at all, but i would love to get to know you better. sweet dreams! <3<3<3

    6 months ago
  • Wisp

    Usually I would wait and go down the line of your published pieces, but gosh I saw this title and something in me just knew it had to read it. And it was so right.
    Because this piece is the remedy to broken souls, and the imagery of hugs from your father (okay, I'm a daddy's girl too) is just so raw and pure. I saw this title and it instantly brought tears to my eyes, because I miss those days of hugs in big arms and goodnight kisses. I miss them so dearly and reading this evoked those emotions so much so. And now I can't stop bawling over how this is written and how beautiful this is and how I just want a hug.
    "my hearts in a million pieces, and, i know it'll scratch up your hands, but can you please pick them up and hold them together?"
    And this piece was so vulnerable and raw and just--it really touched my soul is the best way to sum it up. I wish I could put the feelings into words, but gosh there are none to describe this.
    And I wish I could end this comment in some prolific sentence, but you stole my words away and now I'm left with the reality that I am just a little girl who wants her dad to hug her.

    6 months ago
  • chrysanthemums&ink

    ah. i am so sorry i got to this so late. anything i say might sound insincere at this point, but i'll try.

    so i reread this over and over again, and god, it feels the same each time. it's like, sometimes, you can tell when a piece is gonna wheedle its way into your heart, but this time, i was completely blindsided by the sincerity and vulnerability. and sometimes, pieces like this are painful to look at bc of that, but this one isn't. it's just so... open? so soft and so subtly heartwrenching. i have and will reread this many more times, because it's just that good. i don't have enough words to say that.

    it's been a couple of days, but you always know where to find me if you need it ;).

    9 months ago
  • Samina

    ineffably beautiful. (oh is it the right word?). I feel like crying after reading this...

    9 months ago
  • Sophia Baker

    This stole my breath away. I have no words to explain how I feel about this. Simply breathtaking.

    9 months ago
  • inanutshell

    oh my this is so emotional and honest. i feel like i can't really comment on this at all but i'm so sorry you're going through a tough time; relationships with parents are hard & i hope things work out with your dad, he sounds like a great dad <3

    9 months ago
  • poetri

    oh lovey. ohhhh lovey. i have no words, just--it'll be okay. it will. trust me, i understand. if you need to talk, i'm here. if you need quiet right now, you know where to find me later <3
    all the best.

    9 months ago
  • dovetrees

    this is so emotional, heart spilled out onto the page writing! i don't often read pieces that force me to take a second after reading them, but this is one of them!

    9 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    This is so heart wrenching and beautiful and I kinda wanna throw up but that's not a bad thing?? I know I'm not your dad if even in person friend, but I love you.

    9 months ago
  • Paisley Blue

    wow... I really relate to this. honey, if you need someone to listen, I'm here, m'kay? I know you don't know me all that well, but I feel like I know you through your writing. I've been through a lot of similar stuff and I really do get this feeling. You aren't alone--and I believe that your dad will love you no matter what.

    9 months ago