Peer Review by EdilMayHampsen (United States)

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Unatural Disasters

By: marigold

    His wide brown eyes scrutinized her, uncomprehendingly, as she urged him to follow through the wall’s narrow opening. She deftly crawled through the vent, intent on escaping, her brother following hesitantly. "C’mon, it's just a little farther," she said, regarding him with her soot streaked face. "We'll be out of this wretched place soon enough." As the building shook again, she grabbed his hand and pulled him in front of her. "Go, go!" She yelled, shoving him as gently as she could out the other end of the vents and onto the sidewalk. He would not meet her fate.

Message to Readers

For my piece, I ended up cutting a lot more than I'd hoped I would have to because of the word count limit. If you have any feedback on how I could improve my story without going over the limit, I'd love to hear it!

Peer Review

I'm curious as to why the characters are crawling. We know something about their situation, like that they're trying to escape, and I know their situation is high-stakes, which draws me in as a reader, but I would like to know a few details to solidify the mental image.

The second-to-last sentence accomplishes this well, we get to know that she cares about him deeply, I like it a lot.

The last sentence confused me, Could you specify more exactly what "Her fate" is? You could also leave this sentence as-is and give more attention to the setting, (a falling building?) so that the reader knows that happens to her.

Watch out for adjectives. When they don't contrast the noun (i.e "sad smile") They aren't the most efficient use of words.

Reviewer Comments

Good piece! I love the element of danger and tragedy. The relationship between the two characters being so quickly painted and then torn apart is incredibly compelling.