Peer Review by Tula.S (Cuba)

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love, thesaurus definition (review exchange! read message)

By: rainandsonder


FREE WRITING

love, thesaurus definition:
synonymous for throwing rocks at the window
of the dying house in the woods just to hear
something besides myself. to look at the 
broken glass on the ground and think, 
"that's me." there is a metaphor here
somewhere, but don't try to find it.

when i see my phone light up with your
name, i am a thesaurus definition of the crickets
in  the meadow past your house: noise, blast, buzz,
clamor, crash, cry. you'll notice none of those words
are actually the same. what i mean is, let's go to
the grocery store and talk about every time we
ever lost our parents in the aisles. how my loneliness
is the same as the squeeze of your heart when you
ran to who you thought was your dad just to
find a stranger's face. what i mean is, let's be birds but not
the singing ones. no, not the colorful ones either. let's be
ordinary and desaturated in our nest of the world.

i love you theoretically, in the way i love
the dying house, in the way i love the dying
city, in the way i love fire- in the distance
or else when it's all falling apart. still there's the
burn on my finger. still there's the airport line. and
still, the broken glass on the ground. 

UPDATE: as the title said, i am now doing review exchanges! i'm looking for feedback on anything published past july of 2019, particularly the following: "love, thesaurus definition", "roadrunner/coyotes/god/you", "aug 2019//aug 2020", "december fragment from my notes app", & "every color bleeding from a blurry windshield". i'm interested in reviews that are detailed and really break down what works and what could work better. be as harsh as you can. if your honest opinion is that a whole stanza needs to be cut, or that you just don't like the poem, i want to hear that, as long as you explain why.
if you go into my "peer reviews" tab, you can see that i do my best to give detailed, constructive reviews, and so they take me a while to write; if you don't get yours for a while, i probably am just taking my time, but feel free to comment to make sure! if you want to do a review exchange, comment on whichever piece of mine you plan to review letting me know you're going to take part, and telling me which piece of yours you'd like me to review! i won't take requests past august 20th, and i won't review factual essays and articles but i'm willing to do personal narrative essays. otherwise, if you're interested then just let me know!

Peer Review

I think you are really on to something. You captívate the reader immediately because the language is so unexpected. Not only that but you express a realistic situation through an entirely different approach, and I at least value that very much.


My main general suggestion is to think of exactly what you are trying to say (some writers know what they are saying in a piece while others do not) and try to flash it out at least once in each stanza. Make it subtle but I do think the piece might need a teensy bit of context so that the reader understand WHY you are writing this without being told so. I hope this makes sense.


Reviewer Comments

I just want to say, you definitely should change very little. Even the comments I wrote are relative, and another person might tell you that they actually liked that, so make sure to read those parts that sounded awkward to ME outloud to make sure you feel they need to be changed. I think you are really on to something, your way with breaking gramatical rules is very clean (which is fantastic) and your use of specific examples like the grocery store part is marvelous. I would love to hear your opinion on "The Future In the Past" particularly, because it certainly needs work. Honestly, you know your way with poetry.