Peer Review by and_the_stars_laughed (United States)

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love, thesaurus definition (review exchange! read message)

By: rainandsonder


FREE WRITING

love, thesaurus definition:
synonymous for throwing rocks at the window
of the dying house in the woods just to hear
something besides myself. to look at the 
broken glass on the ground and think, 
"that's me." there is a metaphor here
somewhere, but don't try to find it.

when i see my phone light up with your
name, i am a thesaurus definition of the crickets in
the meadow past your house: noise, blast, buzz,
clamor, crash, cry. you'll notice none of those words are
actually the same. what i mean is, let's go to
the grocery store and talk about every time we
ever lost our parents in the aisles. how my loneliness
is the same as the squeeze of your heart when you
ran to who you thought was your dad just to
find a stranger's face. what i mean is, let's be birds but not
the singing ones. no, not the colorful ones either. let's be
ordinary and desaturated in our nest of the world.

i love you theoretically, in the way i love
the dying house, in the way i love the dying
city, in the way i love fire- in the distance or
else when it's all falling apart. still there's the
burn on my finger. still there's the airport line. and
still, the broken glass on the ground. 

would be really interested to hear your guy's thoughts on this one, i wasn't too sure about it when i first wrote it.
first poem of august! (i actually wrote this in my notebook about a week ago, but i didn't post it so... shh...)

Peer Review

First off, the entire piece in and of itself moved me in a way I've scarcely experienced, but what particularity grabbed my attention was how you took something that's so often cliched in poetry (i.e: love) and presented it in an entirely new, fresh, and unique way. I love how you created "thesaurus definitions" for love and let me as the reader witness these beautiful yet mundane & almost peculiar (in a good way) situations in a new light. For example, I absolutely loved the line: "synonymous for throwing rocks at the window /of the dying house in the woods just to hear / something besides myself," as well as the line "...i am a thesaurus definition of the crickets in / the meadow past your house..." Also, your attention to weaving the same metaphors and previously mentioned "ideas" throughout your piece is spectacular. In other words, I love how you took the scene of looking in shards of broken glass and weaved it into the piece again at the end. All in all, this poem was quite thought-provoking and I will remember it for a long time. Phenomenal job!


Honestly, this is really a small suggestion as this piece is so well done, but what I'd ask you to think about to possibly enhance this piece even more is to look at how you end each line in this poem. Essentially, how do you think it might impact your piece if you ended each line on a word that left a "punch" rather than a word such as "a," "is," "and," "to," etc? You can do this by simply moving a word such as the one's listed above (and the like) and putting it in the next line, just so that each line ends strong (see highlighted examples :)). Sometimes, it's inevitable to avoid this due to how you want the piece to flow, but in other instances, it's helpful to scan through and do some shifting around. I noticed a few places where you could consider doing this, and I highlighted them, but don't feel obliged to take this suggestion. As I said before, it doesn't affect the incredible quality of your piece, it's simply something I thought of. :)


Reviewer Comments

Overall, this was an incredibly thought-provoking and moving piece, I really enjoyed reading and reviewing it! If you have any questions about this review, feel free to let me know, and in the meantime, keep writing! :)