doodleninja

United States

18

~your local angst-y Christian girl~

ARMY <3

soli Deo gloria!

Message to Readers

So, I changed up a few more things and added a line which hopefully conveys the character's personality more.
I'm thinking this could be my final draft, but...what do you think?

he will defy

August 12, 2020


They stamped an expiration date on his forehead at birth. 
Printed in black was the dismal declaration that he would not live to adulthood, and this disease became his identity: a dead boy walking, a cold, lifeless corpse. 
Every breath, every hiccup, every smile was a miracle.  
But their skeptical glances were matchsticks, rubbing against him, igniting the rage inside. Perspectives dressed in black, because to them, he was already in the grave. He screamed lyrics of "I'm alive" as they sang funeral dirges. 

No, he was not meant to survive.
But he will not die.

He will defy.
 
Word Count: 99
Thank you to stravelbach for that super helpful feedback!
 

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7 Comments
  • erin!

    replying: thank you so much! i'm an enfj-t :)


    about 1 year ago
  • theheadphonesgirl

    Hey, just a thought: should it not be 'No, he is not meant to survive/But he will not die/He will defy?" I mean the sudden change in tense sounds a little weird maybe? (I did not digress into anything else as I think I've already said so much about this piece XD...)


    about 1 year ago
  • c.kem

    The opening line is very powerful and was extremely effective in getting my attention. From then on, the whole thing just flowed. I seem to be an alliteration junkie of sorts, and the "dismal declaration" part just sounded so nice when read aloud. I'm new to WTW and would love some feedback as well. Overall great job!


    about 1 year ago
  • Huba Huba

    This piece is really good!


    about 1 year ago
  • Bhavya's Treasure

    Re: Yeah, it happens with me too sometimes and it's really annoying. XD
    Thanks a TON for your lovely feedback Doodleninja! <3


    about 1 year ago
  • Bhavya's Treasure

    The starting line is an awesome hook indeed! The metaphor of matchstick is superb. Each line of this piece is communicating so much...
    All the Best! <3

    Re: Thanks for visiting! The sentence you've quoted... Is something unclear in it or you liked it?


    about 1 year ago
  • Century Friend

    This is such an interesting perspective, and your descriptions are so unique. "They stamped an expiration date on his forehead at birth." It's just so chillingly powerful. And I love the metaphor of the matchsticks. Overall, you told a story of defiance that's different from the ones I've heard before, and it's amazing. The one thing I might suggest changing (though you could keep it the way it is and it would sound just as incredible) is the line where it says, "a cold, lifeless corpse." It's a given that a corpse would be lifeless, so I don't know if you really need that word. You could even leave it as "corpse," on its own, and it would be just as effective. But yes, other than that I think this could for sure be your final draft! (Sorry for the length of this comment, I didn't want to write a whole review just for that single critique.)


    about 1 year ago