And_The_Stars_Laughed

United States

"half of me is ocean. half of me is sky."

Message to Readers

Final draft! Thanks for the peer reviews! :)

The Coffin Wasn't Small Enough

August 17, 2020

Ma’s eyes are always spilling.

Last summer the hydrangeas died; she planted them too Early. The Early got Ma. Got the girl, too. 

Ronnie said Ma will get over it, said he oughta head to the orphanage and get her another. Been a year! I punched Ronnie’s meaty face.

Ma’s skin’s scrubbed all raw now: raw like the chapped hydrangeas; broken, cracked. She thinks the Early’s her fault; strokes her now-flat stomach and withers away. 

But Ronnie’s pudgy lips don’t know when to close. Tells his prize-wife to move on, whispers --

Death, my dear, is always on time.

 
Word count -- 99

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  • August 17, 2020 - 10:59am (Now Viewing)

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7 Comments
  • RemovedUser1

    Ahh! This is beautiful!! It’s practically perfect! I love it so much, and I like the line you added, “ strokes her now-flat stomach and withers away.” That was perfect and added a nice detail! (I’m secretly really happy that you used some off my suggestions XD)


    2 months ago
  • Wicked!

    Ah really wonderful piece, as always! The way you've hinted at what's happening without explicitly stating works really well. The narrative voice here is also really good. It's been an absolute pleasure working with you too, and I'm so glad for having got the opportunity as well :)


    2 months ago
  • Writing4Life

    Oh ok lol Ty ^^


    2 months ago
  • Writing4Life

    Replying: Oh yes thank you! Oh wait when did it or will it end?


    2 months ago
  • ect.13

    Wow. This is really amazing! It's emotional, impactful and conveys the message in a lovely subtle way. Well done, and good luck!


    3 months ago
  • Doodleninja

    this is such a stunning, emotional, flash fiction piece that really hits hard and doesn't let go until the end. Superb job! I don't think anything was too confusing here, I got the reference to death: the line "strokes her now flat-stomach" conveys everything, so nice job there; and I think the euphemism of "Early" works perfectly.
    And of course that ending line is *chef's kiss*
    such a tragic topic but you executed it well :D


    3 months ago
  • Bhavya's Treasure (Bewitching Tombstone #Queenie's Halloween)

    Oh Wow! It took me two reads to figure out what's happening... But when it hit, it rendered me speechless!!!

    "Got the girl, too. " Who's this girl?


    3 months ago