United States

Love dystopian fiction!
*Joined 7/6/20*

Message from Writer

~Always super grateful for peer feedback!!

~Joined with best friends jztpenguin and mindfruit!!

~WtW adopted by ze amazing Anne Blackwood ^-^

~ "A writer's job is to make the unclear clear and the clear unclear" ~ mindfruit

~Currently reading: The Last Star (Rec. by dovetrees <3)

~My odd taste in music has currently led me to - 'Follow You' by twocolors

A Broken Summer Rhythm | FINAL

August 5, 2020

    I could only see her at that summer camp each year. The other seasons we've been apart. Fall came, and we parted, teary eyed, and promised to keep in touch. The amber and crimson leaves, detaching themselves from the tree they would never forget. Winter, and we would expel the frost over FaceTime and hot chocolate with marshmallows.
    Spring rolled around, and we started blooming like hyacinths, longing for summer to arrive. And every summer solstice, we would reunite again, joy expelling the heat in the air. This cycle repeated every year. Until that one summer where it broke.
Did I imply enough that they broke up one summer? What could I do better? (Word Count 99) Any comments and feedback appreciated :D Thanks to Lata.B and And_The_Stars_Laughed for the super helpful peer reviews and Cata Londo for the constructive critique in comments! And everyone else that liked and gave encouragement through the comments buuut the footnotes are only so long :\

Login or Signup to provide a comment.

  • mia_:)

    replying: hmmm *flips through thesaurus* you could say something about disrupting the rhythm? like "our summer song continued, year after year, until the rhythm was cut short, unexplained." i think that unexplained and jagged is a good addition, but there probably shouldn't be a semicolon after 'broke' because 'unexplained and jagged' isn't a complete sentence :)

    3 months ago
  • mia_:)

    aaha i love it! the mixture of the pretty language and the compelling storyline is great! hmm, for something constructive, i'd say to focus on the last two sentences. i know the word count is really constraining, but is there any way to make it more impactful when the cycle breaks? you could say something like: "year after year, we danced in the sun, until the summer where it rained and she was gone." idk that was kinda bad but something more lyrical because i feel like the tone of your piece is bouncy and pretty and the last two lines are a bit abrupt. sorry if i'm too harsh! i looove this piece! good luck in the comp!!

    3 months ago
  • happy butterfly

    hey im back,unfortunately im not really good at prose.BUT i have 2 suggestions. 1. maybe incorporate a line about what the other person was like or the relationship,so the reader can feel a stronger emotion. 2.incorporate a line which states kinda why or how it ended.These will just help the reader relate more and feel more connected to the characters,or if you will,more sympathetic.hope that helped<3

    3 months ago
  • happy butterfly

    oh this is so sweet,i kinda am in a hurry right now.But i'll come back and try to give you a bit of help if i find anything to critique on:)

    3 months ago