Peer Review by seaomelette (United Arab Emirates)

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Run

By: aloeg


Needles of sunlight fall around me, through the thick leaves. I am crouched, ears pricked and muscles tensed. The droning of the planes is broken by a shattering crash. The branches shiver; my hideout shields me from the blast.
The planes retreat; fainter, fainter, fainter ... gone.
Go now; it's clear. My feet smash into the forest ground as I run.
A cloud explodes, surrounding me; I am thrown upwards, flailing helplessly through the fog; flying blind, floating ...
My shoulder crashes into the floor; I'm coughing, rolling, groaning. Alive.
Keep going. To the border.
And I run on.


Message to Readers

are the sentences too blunt and does that take away from the story?


Peer Review

Writing a story in just 99 words is super hard, but I managed to grab onto the plot and sympathize with the nameless narrator. I love your descriptions - they're so vivid and eye-catching!


From the "droning of the planes", the exploding cloud, the hideout, and the emphasis on the narrator's destination--the border, I was able to infer that the narrator is escaping his/her war-torn country and running to the border.


Nope, there weren't any places where I was confused! And don't worry about the sentences being too blunt--they really captured the moment of the narrator's flight.


Keep working on the story! I love it and can't wait to see the final version!!


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