Dmoral

United States

est. 2018
she/her | taurus
old soul of a published writer.

junior | light-skinned/mixed
attempting to read all the classics i can.

Message to Readers

*sighs*
here's another piece of my story only WTWers get to find.

scoliosis

July 29, 2020

FREE WRITING

17

i can feel my back // shifting, the physical pain // i cannot describe properly but i // just know, this can't // be normal, or else // people would tell me // to expect it. // and i was diagnosed // six years ago i believe // but it's exsistence has been // with me since the beginning // of eternity. // sometimes my heart's // on fire while other timess // my chest's collapsing and all i // know is it's  hurting; // it was only today did i // think to make a connection // to it with my // back. // i had a // friend - we're far // too apart and grown up // to talk much now - but // she had leg surgery in // second grade // a lots of problems before // and after that even, // so we'd talk and compare // about hospitals and doctors // over simple things like tea. // and it always seemed like // a competition i was // never winning. // i know // that's wrong but // we were young and // that's the point of aging. // still // just know when you and our // friends compared us // it wasn't much fair. // did you know successful people live every damn // day without their legs? // but screwed be the man without a back // 'cause he'd be dead.

i remember two years // after they told me // we'd have to start attempting // to "fix" me // that there was a risk // with everything, // and that leaving it be // or fixing it both had // the problem of never // creating another being. // most twelve-year-olds don't // think about having kids yet // since they still are one, // but i remember crying // silently at night, at // the thought of never // loving someone // the way my father did me // of never holding // my most precious thing. // whenever i plan // out a future, i think // about the danger, though // everyone ends the same // i want a child that'll bear my name; // only, it's the part of me // being their to bestow it // that's blurry.

so i keep the // nightmares in the // back of my eyelids where they // belong, remind me // of all kinds of // realities that i may one // day bleed. // and i wear my back brace // occasionally, but none // of my boyfriends knew // cause i kept it hidden and // to this day, i barely // tell my friends. // since it is the most // unbecoming sight. // although, perhaps karma will // bless me // - yet again - // and surgery might happen // leaving a scar down my spine. // then my future will // never be known // 'til i come to // it's doorstep, // ready to be // controlled.
here's a piece to those with scoliosis, 'cause i've never read one so i decided to write one. this is all 100% true to me, and out of everything, scoliosis scares the hell out of me. no, i'm not dying now so don't worry, but every day i can feel my back shifting - i don't think you understand what that feels like. also, i'm tired of being ashamed of my back brace but i still am embarrassed by it and that won't change.
regardless though, i'd still love feedback. favorite lines, thoughts, etc. no reviews though, sorry, this is too personal for proper critiques.

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  • July 29, 2020 - 9:37am (Now Viewing)

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9 Comments
  • Bhavya's Treasure

    Trust God! He can mend anything... Which means anything!!!
    But I'm positive that your poetic and literary back is very very strong!!
    Keep going girl
    Hugs and Love <3


    14 days ago
  • Ibex

    omigosh i love this piece!! i could never figure out how to write something good on my scoliosis so kudos to you for writing such a beautiful piece! so fun to finally find someone else who shares the back brace experience, even though it's certainly not a very fun experience.


    16 days ago
  • chrysanthemums&ink

    you've got a ton of great comments down there so i won't linger, but firstly i really like the 'two slash marks' to separate phrases in this. i think that kind of formatting just makes it a little more... physical? if you know what i mean. thank you for sharing this for your own sake <3333 i hope the next decision you make brings you happiness, Queen.


    18 days ago
  • birthdaycandles

    This must be difficult for you, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers if you don’t mind. Thank you so much for sharing, it takes great courage to open up about personal stuff sometimes, especially for people to read online, and for that I admire you and this piece of writing very much. I understand completely why you wouldn’t want peer reviews on this, but I think you might’ve checked the box by accident for reviews? Because it’s giving me the option to write a review (I won’t though but just in case anyone would by accident not having read the footnote?) Thank you for sharing your experience. Stay safe :)


    21 days ago
  • EliathRose

    This is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. I love your decision to use double slashes instead of just one. I thought it was cool. And yeah, you really don’t see much about scoliosis, and it’s nice to read something that addresses it. I have really minor scoliosis that’s only really bad enough to make my body alignment all wonky, so it’s nothing compared to what you’re going through, but still. Excellent work!


    22 days ago
  • sunny.v

    “ // then my future will // never be known // 'til i come to // it's doorstep, // ready to be // controlled.” gosh, that was such an impactful ending line. have i ever tolled you that your writing style is just so polished an precise? it’s like, even if there’s a “stream of consciousness” with thoughts flowing in the piece, every word and line is picked Deliberately? that probably doesn’t make sense. but anyways: i will never understand what it’s like to go through this, but i understand that you must be very strong. i hope the pain eases soon, my dear, whenever that may be. and the brace: you said you’d still be embarrassed by it, and some may say to not be, but really...i understand that aspect, for medical *vague gestures* reasons, and it’s not something that you really ever...stop...being bashful about, you know? it’s just there in the back of your mind. so i won’t tell you how to feel about it, but i can only say that i understand, and i hope that you know i’m thinking of you when i say that, too! you’re beautiful, inside and out! whatever struggles may happen, i’m there rooting for you and waiting for you at the end of the finish line. i hope i haven’t crossed a line here! lovely, lovely piece, and so wonderfully profound. much love to you, as always <3


    22 days ago
  • Stone of Jade

    this is really meaningful...thank you for sharing! Also...WUTHERING HEIGHTS!!! Oh my word i love that book! the 2009 movie is absolutely amazing. i love how the whole haunting, maddening heartbreak theme throughout the book. i haven't met many other people who have read/watched it.


    22 days ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Oh sweetie ilysm. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I pray that one day you'll be able to be confident in yourself, brace and all. <3


    22 days ago
  • Lata.B

    "so i keep the // nightmares in the // back of my eyelids". I love this line!
    This made me so sad. I can only imagine what your going through.
    One of my friends had scoliosis and she had to have surgery for it but now she's doing okay. You shouldn't be embarrassed of your back brace at all! :)


    22 days ago