i can feel my back // shifting, the physical pain // i cannot describe properly but i // just know, this can't // be normal, or else // people would tell me // to expect it. // and i was diagnosed // six years ago i believe // but it's exsistence has been // with me since the beginning // of eternity. // sometimes my heart's // on fire while other timess // my chest's collapsing and all i // know is it's hurting; // it was only today did i // think to make a connection // to it with my // back. // i had a // friend - we're far // too apart and grown up // to talk much now - but // she had leg surgery in // second grade // a lots of problems before // and after that even, // so we'd talk and compare // about hospitals and doctors // over simple things like tea. // and it always seemed like // a competition i was // never winning. // i know // that's wrong but // we were young and // that's the point of aging. // still // just know when you and our // friends compared us // it wasn't much fair. // did you know successful people live every damn // day without their legs? // but screwed be the man without a back // 'cause he'd be dead.
i remember two years // after they told me // we'd have to start attempting // to "fix" me // that there was a risk // with everything, // and that leaving it be // or fixing it both had // the problem of never // creating another being. // most twelve-year-olds don't // think about having kids yet // since they still are one, // but i remember crying // silently at night, at // the thought of never // loving someone // the way my father did me // of never holding // my most precious thing. // whenever i plan // out a future, i think // about the danger, though // everyone ends the same // i want a child that'll bear my name; // only, it's the part of me // being their to bestow it // that's blurry.
so i keep the // nightmares in the // back of my eyelids where they // belong, remind me // of all kinds of // realities that i may one // day bleed. // and i wear my back brace // occasionally, but none // of my boyfriends knew // cause i kept it hidden and // to this day, i barely // tell my friends. // since it is the most // unbecoming sight. // although, perhaps karma will // bless me // - yet again - // and surgery might happen // leaving a scar down my spine. // then my future will // never be known // 'til i come to // it's doorstep, // ready to be // controlled.
here's a piece to those with scoliosis, 'cause i've never read one so i decided to write one. this is all 100% true to me, and out of everything, scoliosis scares the hell out of me. no, i'm not dying now so don't worry, but every day i can feel my back shifting - i don't think you understand what that feels like. also, i'm tired of being ashamed of my back brace but i still am embarrassed by it and that won't change.
regardless though, i'd still love feedback. favorite lines, thoughts, etc. no reviews though, sorry, this is too personal for proper critiques.