Dmoral

United States


est. 2018
she/her | junior
semi active; chaotic life.
published writer + classics enthusiast.
obsessed with name titled poetry & songs.

Message to Readers

messy.

another break up story (cliche, i know--leave me alone)

July 22, 2020

FREE WRITING

10
We were standing in the middle of our universe, surrounded by our stars that painted the night sky we loved dancing in. Or I knew I was. Lately, it seemed I could never speak for the both of us. And for the past three weeks I’ve been spending time that could’ve been with you, on the couch wondering what to do. But now, here we were. In a moment where my slippers can’t comfort me and the tv won’t drown out my thoughts.

Slowly, I began reaching my hand to yours, only to think better of it and grab a cup off the table. I knew you must have seen my arm though because immediately after you stiffened.

“Jasmine,” you breathed. My name no longer sounded sweet and promised on your lips, only tired and heavy. “I didn’t think you’d be here.”

I could hear everyone’s voices turn to whispers, as they stole glances in our direction as if the matter concerned them. And in a sense, maybe it did, they were our family and friends, ex-lovers and fellow coworkers. Each one of them made up pieces of us.

Once, I would’ve claimed we made up pieces of each other. 

“I told Evie I’d be here for her,” I mumbled, looking to see what drink I had. Pink lemonade, like the kind we use to make on hot summer days.

“It is her birthday,” you sighed, clenching the cup in your hands. Finally, you turned to face me.

It was then I saw a million broken promises in your eyes, the biggest one being my name.

“Well, I better get this over with.”

When we first met, you gave me goosebumps. But now, I could feel my face pale.

“We need to break up.”

Shooting stars fall whenever a hope is lost.

“Who’s going to be my new year's kiss?" Was all I could manage to say.
guys, i don't even remember writing this! i was cleaning out my notes where i have a punch of one-liners and decided to clean out my writing folder as well. and i found this piece in like the bottom of scrolling and read it and was like, woah okay. so i did some editing and i think part of this was inspired by abi's pov's contest from forever ago and i just never finished it, but i don't know for sure.
anyway, please enjoy! also, i probably won't edit or extend this, so reviews won't be necessary but i'd love some feedback in the comments about whether or not you liked this! and/or your favorite lines!!

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  • July 22, 2020 - 10:36pm (Now Viewing)

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5 Comments
  • Wisp

    "Once, I would’ve claimed we made up pieces of each other."
    "It was then I saw a million broken promises in your eyes, the biggest one being my name."
    "Shooting stars fall whenever a hope is lost."
    I am speechless. Honestly, I hate to be that person, but I adore break up stories sometimes. Like sure, we all love regular love stories where the two fall in love and yada yada yada, but break up stories? Now there's some depth. It's raw, it's different, it captures what it's like to be human in a sense. And you've definitely captured that here.
    It's short, yet sweet -- or rather bittersweet. There are a lot of ways you could've gone with this, but I love the direction you took it. There's already resignation between the two, which is foreshadowing for the readers and softens the blow. For instance, when they stiffen, when Jasmine stays at home instead of spending time with them, and that line before they break up with her. It's all rawfully written and every word is intricately chosen. I honestly love all your short stories, and this one was just --- I don't want to sound like a broken record but --- lovely.


    about 1 month ago
  • Wicked!

    This is so beautiful! I especially love teh first line and "It was then I saw a million broken promises in your eyes, the biggest one being my name." <3


    5 months ago
  • outoftheblue

    "It was then I saw a million broken promises in your eyes, the biggest one being my name." i- how do you manage to make me so invested in a story? like your work is just so gorgeous and effortlessly compelling. and I have to agree with chrys about that last line! :)


    5 months ago
  • chrysanthemums&ink

    asdlfasjdl;kfalsk that last line i was NOT READY- "shooting stars fall whenever a hope is lost" WHY YOU DO THIS. so yeah this short story broke my fricking heart. the way you shift from past happy memories of a new love to a harsher reality is just... ack you poke my heart with a stick. i love it, and it really paints a picture as to what the character has lost and even the person the character is breaking up with is characterized in a way that we can see that they're tired and it just hurts on both parts and even in the end, we can feel the narrator's surprise even though we saw it coming the entire time...
    *feedback: i think that last line of dialogue is just absolutely brilliant so maybe it'd be more powerful if the "Was all I could manage to say." section were shifted to the beginning of the sentence so the line of dialogue stands out more at the end.
    jdfslaj; i love this <33333


    5 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Cool piece! I love the way you kept shifting between past tense and present tense.


    5 months ago