Peer Review by black_and_red_ink (Canada)

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the moonboy

By: dovetrees


mangata - a swedish word for the reflection of the moon on water, the sea. a shimmering road that stretches far beyond the horizon. 
a road for the moonboy to run, jump, and skip over. to trip and fall, and stand back up. the same moonboy who hops over the clouds and waves to the stars, happy and content and seemingly alone. but he's not. 
the moonboy speaks to the moon, in the language of the stars, guessing the secrets of the sun and singing the ballad of cassiopea as his voice rings out through the galaxy, admired by many, for he is the giver of joy. 
and then he walks along the road of moonlight on the sea, awaiting the sunrise and his next adventure through the stars. he says 'good day!' to the moon while they both part ways. 
until the next sunset, where he wakes with a smile. 
the world is peaceful and calm, as the moonboy wishes on jupiter's moons
for one day, he will meet the maker of his dreams. 

(ignore: 281018) hello!! it's late right now and i miss the stars, so here's this piece that looks like poetry and imagery had a game of bumper cars to the death. any feedback is golden! once again, i am so grateful for all of your kind comments! :)

Peer Review

There are so many things I admire about this piece. First, the unique style. It is poetic prose and you described it perfectly in the footnotes as "poetry and imagery had a game of bumper cars to the death." You are amazing at writing in this style and I encourage you to use it more in the future. The first words you started with drew me in. You used a word that doesn't exist in English, defined it, and then beautifully extended the definition by writing "a shimmering road that stretches far beyond the horizon." The whole concept of the moonboy is so beautiful. The poem has a very innocent and playful feeling. And reading it is soothing. Finally, you finished with a powerful ending about the morning coming and the moonboy peacefully falling asleep "until the next sunset."

Is there any way you can play around with the formatting? Perhaps you can divide your stanzas in a different way? Sometimes when a poem has a great visually appealing layout on paper that goes well with the content of the poem, it makes me want to read it more. Try experimenting with the formatting and spacing so it's not just a block of text like prose but instead more like poetry. Other than that I must admit I'm at a loss for words when it comes to telling you ways to improve. This was a beautiful piece and I really loved it.

Reviewer Comments

I'm following you and I would love to read more of your writing. This is a breathtaking, stunning piece and you should definitely be proud of it. Keep up the great work. :)