Peer Review by crow_e (United States)

Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.

Tap on comment to view. Using a mouse?

Hover over comments to view. On a touch device?


the moonboy

By: dovetrees


FREE WRITING

mangata - a swedish word for the reflection of the moon on water, the sea. a shimmering road that stretches far beyond the horizon. 
a road for the moonboy to run, jump, and skip over. to trip and fall, and stand back up. the same moonboy who hops over the clouds and waves to the stars, happy and content and seemingly alone. but he's not. 
the moonboy speaks to the moon, in the language of the stars, guessing the secrets of the sun and singing the ballad of cassiopea as his voice rings out through the galaxy, admired by many, for he is the giver of joy. 
and then he walks along the road of moonlight on the sea, awaiting the sunrise and his next adventure through the stars. he says 'good day!' to the moon while they both part ways. 
until the next sunset, where he wakes with a smile. 
the world is peaceful and calm, as the moonboy wishes on jupiter's moons
for one day, he will meet the maker of his dreams. 

(ignore: 281018) hello!! it's late right now and i miss the stars, so here's this piece that looks like poetry and imagery had a game of bumper cars to the death. any feedback is golden! once again, i am so grateful for all of your kind comments! :)

Peer Review

i like the structure of this piece - you use a lot of incomplete sentences/fragments, and it makes me think of snapshots, or looking through photographs.


the last two lines are a bit confusing for me - why does he wish on Jupiter's moons, rather than his own? why is jupiter the only planet mentioned? who is "the maker of his dreams"? also, could you expand the space metaphor a bit more? there's so much to explore with this concept, it feels like you've cut it a bit short.


Reviewer Comments

thank you for sharing! i really enjoyed this piece. let me know if you want me to review another version of this piece, or any other piece you write - i'm always happy to help!