Peer Review by Bailee (Australia)

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Fledgling

By: BrookeG23


    My mother attempted to prepared us.  She said it will come unexpectedly, like clouds passing over the sun.  I had already molted, but still I could only find small insects. I remember it so clearly: the joy of winning “Early Bird,”...  the alarm soon after, like a writhing cricket in my stomach.  Then came the huge thrashing tunnel, worse than the human’s creations.  Anger knowing any celebration would be impossible partially quenched my fear… I shouldn’t have been so selfish.  
    We were the only fledglings that survived.  Little did I know, this tornado would change everything I had known.


Message to Readers

If you have time... I know I'm submitting it super late! :P


Peer Review

I really loved the language used to create some really effective imagery. It was never exactly stated from the beginning it was a tornado, and I wanted to continue reading to know what the 'unknown' was.


"Then came the huge thrashing tunnel, worse than the human's creations." It's this wonder of this thrashing tunnel, this the point of wonder. Words such as "like clouds passing over the sun" begin to plant the idea of nature in your mind.


There was a sentence which was a little confusing (I highlighted it). I am unsure about the links between anger and celebration as in relation to fear... possibly to juxtapose? It seems a bit disconnected from the rest of the passage.


This is a really enjoyable piece. Maybe think of an emotion and try to make it flow a little more through your story but this is being nit picky.


Reviewer Comments

Well done! Keep writing, you have some fabulous work here.