you think about love and how everything seems so fucked up sometimes but it’s not. it’s just you thinking that it is. but you cry all the same even though mere hours ago she was here, in your room, caressing your fingertips, placing her soft lips on yours and kissing, kissing until neither of you could breathe because the air between you compressed with passion. you longed to feel her skin against you, to stroke your fingertips down, between her thighs, to feel the parts of her that are seldom seen, the scars and the bruises and to trace them like constellations in the night sky because every part of her is beautiful. and still you cry, because maybe, just maybe, she made her happier.
but then you get over it. you get over your overthinking and for a few minutes, an hour if you’re lucky, everything seems perfect again. you smile because you know this is what it’s like to be young and wild and free. and you know that over the years you will forget this moment, but you forgive yourself for that, you forgive yourself for the forgetting because it is inevitable.
before you know it, she calls, and her voice sounds the same as it did the day before, but you can tell that something is wrong because its just that tiny bit raspier and she hesitates a second too long. those silences feel like eternities, there are so many of them that you are certain you will drown. but you don’t. you’re not mad because she is perfect and flawless and it is you that has done the wrong. it is you that has decided to leave everything behind in search of your parents ideals, you that has decided to try in spite of the way her arms tingle with fear as she kisses you. and just like that, it is over.
but it is not over because everything is fucked up, it is over because she, unlike you, knows all too well the pain of loss. and she cannot imagine going through it again. you are thankful for that, you are thankful that she is prioritising herself, and you wish that you knew how to do that.
but ultimately it does hurt, it hurts because it matters. and you know that you will get up the next day, and the next and the next and one day it won’t hurt anymore.
you will be okay.