JhermayneU

Australia

I’ve been on here about 30 seconds and I’ve seen like 11 gay people. Same

she/her
proud filipina!!

Message from Writer

Founder of Say It In Color - an online magazine amplifying BIPOC voices.

Submissions are always open! You can find us on Instagram :)

love(?) letter

July 17, 2020

To a girl,

This is not a love letter.

It's not even a letter, really, since you're never going to see this, and this kind of thing should come with nervous laughter- comically provocative smoldering- the unabashed nakedness that comes with a game of Truth or Dare. Not an iMessage link to an online writing blog that contains my cold, dead body.

I'm just gonna get some things off my chest anyway. Here are three things I never got the chance to say:


1. I made you a playlist. I was going to send it to you on your birthday, then at Christmas. I don't know why I waited. (Although at this point, I'm glad I did; I don't know what you would have done with the 60 or so songs that would have permanently reminded you of me. Even though they all now permanently remind me of you).

I think you would know what kind of songs were in that playlist.
It's long been deleted now, but here's a couple:

Feelings - Hayley Kiyoko
girls - girlinred
Would You Be So Kind - Dodie

God, I remember the months I spent just listening to what you were listening to. A bit of Hozier (Wasteland, Baby!). A bit of Clairo (Flaming Hot Cheetos). I added some Tessa Violet (Crush), even though you didn't know who she was. We still scream the lyrics to girlinred songs at every party, and I wouldn't change that for the world.


2. I wrote poetry.

A lot of poetry.

Yes, I know I’m a hopeless romantic (but you are too. Shut up).

I still have the notebook. It's the same one I used to draft my message for your birthday card, the one with the hand-drawn snake and the little love heart.

After that presentation we spent sitting entirely too close to each other for a very gay-panicky ten minutes:
Touch./Burns like fire. Warm. Silence and noise at the same time. A smaller world. Crafted and blushing and intimate. I like it, though.

As I fell for you slowly over drama class:
New book smell. Heat. Blushing. Nice music. Late-night conversations that deepen. Holding your breath. Feathers. Staying up till 3. Laughter. Eyes that meet and flit away just as quickly. Nervous anticipation. Winning a debate. Falling. A nerdy mug collection. Cold sunrise warmth. Secret smiles. Messy hair. Breaking character.

I wonder if you still have that birthday card.


3. Remember that one scene from Love Simon? Near the end? Yeah, I wanted to kiss you on that ferris wheel. (I wanted to kiss you for a very, very long time).


Who knows? Maybe I will show this to you someday. I’ll read it out and we’ll laugh about it, and maybe you’ll show me that rant you wrote after I wore my hair half-up, half-down to school and you thought I was cute. I value our friendship highly; I do. It's why I built all of these walls and swallowed my pain and learned how to put on a smiley façade for the days, weeks, months afterwards. Today, a year on, it is no longer a façade. It hasn't been for a long time. I can breathe easier in this closet. I'm glad it all turned out this way.

This is not a love letter.

But, please, know that I love you.

-Snake
 

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2 Comments
  • JhermayneU

    Thank you Halopoet!


    2 months ago
  • Halopoet

    This is the cutest thing i have read in AGES. You should be proud of yourself, I wouldn't want to change anything about this letter for the world that's why I didn't review it. Goodluck with the competition, you'd seriously be the winner if i was judging.


    2 months ago