I am not going to say that I can understand what you are going through, maybe because I have not faced similar experiences. This letter is not an attempt to demean your struggles and invalidate them. Instead, this is just a letter to tell you that someone here is proud of you for hanging in there.
School and coursework, workplaces, and assignments. This daily hectic life people feel burdened with is generally a relief for those stuck in toxic households. The safe space of your friend’s place or the café down the street has now suddenly been labelled as the hotspots for the pandemic.
You are being advised to stay safe inside your home, though you don’t think you will ever feel safe in there. The casual homophobic jokes and hate directed towards people who are out or the constant scrutiny you are subjected to without a second of privacy; the unfathomable judgments towards your favourite movie or book simply for not fitting in with their norms: I know it is hard. But I also know you are not made for the ordinary.
Sometimes, the simple act of accepting your own self while belonging to a homophobic environment might be a tiresome process. The self-doubt and guilt which might have taken months, if not years, to end or subside could have started crippling back in.
For those who are questioning, the heteronormativity might be complicating your process, creating a whirlwind of messy emotions in your head. You might be afraid of coming out as straight and furthering the false notion of it being just a phase. You might be afraid of coming out as queer and being treated differently. But trust me, none of this is your fault. And nobody but you have the right to define your orientations and layout the process you should follow. For those who know and those who not, for those struggling to come out to themselves and those who don’t wish to, for every single person who has to deal with negativity simply for something the society deems as a taboo: even if it feels impossible right now, things do get better. You should not be striving for acceptance simply for being yourself because just the fact that this is still unacceptable is incomprehensible. But irrespective of that, you will form a community accepting every inch of your beautiful self.
I am sorry you have to feel this way. I am sorry for not using my privileges to call out people who have led to this privilege, who have enabled a culture that treats heterosexuality as the default way of life.
I am not going to sign off with a “stay strong” message because you are pretty strong already. Hang in there and please know that somewhere, someone is always there for each one of you.