Peer Review by adrieliza (United States)

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serpentine severity

By: Anne Blackwood

she is a scorned queen; stronger than her history; discarding past selves like old scraps; she is more akin to a snake shedding sickly skin; hiding in the soft brush; lurking in the silence; saccharine-sweet sabotage; do not step on her spirit; she knows how to strike; seek solace in her flaming eyes; lose your senses in irises of hypnotic gold; she has a heart hardened by sordid solitude; she is a scorned queen.

Note: Every clause has at least one word that begins with the letter "s".
I wrote this while listening to Renee Rapp singing World Burn. She is a freaking goddess. Oh, and before all you Mean Girls fanatics start pounding on my door, I'm not necessarily a fan, but, as I said, Renee is a goddess.

Peer Review

I feel that the semicolons are there to differentiate the different pieces of the queen character. They provide just a brief break from the last bit of information to the next, making each one that much more important to the sentence as a whole.

The only thing I can think of to revise is the ending. While it's cool that it matches the beginning, the whole piece feels like it's building up, and then the ending slows it down again just a little bit. Otherwise it was fantastic!

Reviewer Comments

I like how every clause has a word that begins with the letter "s". It ties everything together in a subtle way, and adds a little more of a poetic element. Altogether, this was super super good!