Peer Review by seaomelette (United Arab Emirates)

Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.

Tap on comment to view. Using a mouse?

Hover over comments to view. On a touch device?


SHIVA'S BLESSED YOU & THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY HER? PERHAPS BARAN BROKE YOU AS WARNING TO WHAT THE GODS WILL DO TO YOU.

By: Dmoral


FREE WRITING

Cigarettes stained her lips and alcohol decorated her skin-tight black dress in moist patches, as she tripped on her ruby red stilettos and into the glimmering purple silk tent. A woman greeted her inside with golden beads braided in thick, horsehair, and an eggplant robe covering her midnight dress, both decorated with yellow stars.
 
"Care to have your life laid out before you?" The woman asked, watching carefully as the girl discarded her heels, throwing them onto one of the maroon pillows lining the edge of the tent.
 
She answered in slurred words, but the woman saw them for what they were.
 
"Money has no value to me as it does for you." The woman motioned toward the ash grey pillow in between them. "Sit and let me show you how to regain everything you had before. And more."
 
Curiosity mixed in with her tipsy feelings, and before she knew what she was doing, the girl plopped down on the pillow, shoving her palms in the woman's direction. The woman noticed the slight flush in her cheeks but did not mistake them as nerves.
 
"Kali," The woman breathed, taking her hands. Before the girl, Kali, could question how she knew her name, the woman closed her eyes and squeezed her fingers tightly. "Your name holds a special kind of power."
 
Eyes wide, Kali's nerves buzzed with excitement, as a new sort of drunk took over her.
 
"The Hindu Goddess of Destruction has favored you," the woman stated, voice monotone. "But you've failed every test she's ever blessed you with. Her interest grows wary creating your fate to darken. She brought you to me so we may speak of her freely."
 
Eyes snapping open, Kali watched the woman's eyes flash a golden hue before returning to the endless brown they were before. Soon, her vision grew blurry.
 
"What was his name? The one who broke you into the person you are today?" The woman's question stung, and Kali felt her eyes peel layers of her skin away with the madden look in her eyes.
 
"Baran," Kali answered, the name gave her shivers, creating a maze for the cold sweats dripping down her spine.
 
The woman nodded, pulling Kali's hands closer. Sobriety slipped its way into Kali, the cool feeling tickled her fingers as though it was the woman's doing, and spread its way through her whole body. Her eyes grew dry as though she hadn't blinked for hours, making Kali question what hour it was. Instinctively, Kali ran her tongue over her teeth, but it was like a dried-up sponge in a dust storm. Her heart had slowed unknowing to her until now, as her body ached all over.

Exhaustion itself was tiring.

"We've unlayered far too much than you're used to," The woman mumbled, loosening her grip on Kali. "Perhaps we best resume this later, when you're energy is restored and shrine is complete."

The words held expectation Kali was barely able to grasp, as she felt herself fade into her body.

"I don't," Each word came out soft and slow, "have a shrine."

"The sooner you create one, the more power you'll wield and the higher favor you'll have from your favorer."

Word Count: 534
Want a part 2? Let me know in the comments below! :)

References~
~I'm a sucker for long titles, but the caps thing is partly inspired by PouringOutTheSun, whom I love their writing. Sooooooo good, literally, it's only their long freakin' pieces and A Breath Into Silence's that I can read and never tire. I envy their world-building!!
~So this is based on old Hinduism, but is completely fictional and like a spin off-take of it. Hopefully, the culture and its believers take no offense!
~Here's one website that might help, here


Like this piece? Read my piece, IT IS FORBIDDEN THAT EGYPTIAN DEITIES LOVE MORTAL-HATING DEMONS, THEY'RE MEANT TO DESTROY THEM (it's based on Egyptian mytholgy)

Message to Readers

Feedback of any kind very much appreciated!


Peer Review

I really liked the intense, vivid imagery in this piece, as well as the overall feeling of mysteriousness throughout it. I loved your descriptions of Kali's encounter with the fortune teller - the adjectives and images you chose to portray made me feel like I was sitting next to Kali! The long title of the piece also grabbed my attention. It hints at what has happened to Kali, and foreshadows what may lay in her future, which I find absolutely awesome.


I was able to infer that Kali might have had a past with Baran, that broke her and led her to visit the fortuneteller quite easily. I don't think any additional details are necessary - it's always great to be somewhat mysterious in the beginning of stories, and slowly unfurl the details as you grab readers' attention. If you're planning to write Part 2, I can't wait to read it!


Reviewer Comments

Keep up the awesome writing! :3