Dmoral

United States


est. 2018
she/her | junior
semi active; chaotic life.
published writer + classics enthusiast.
obsessed with name titled poetry & songs.

Message to Readers

Feedback of any kind very much appreciated!

SHIVA'S BLESSED YOU & THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY HER? PERHAPS BARAN BROKE YOU AS WARNING TO WHAT THE GODS WILL DO TO YOU.

July 10, 2020

FREE WRITING

12
Cigarettes stained her lips and alcohol decorated her skin-tight black dress in moist patches, as she tripped on her ruby red stilettos and into the glimmering purple silk tent. A woman greeted her inside with golden beads braided in thick, horsehair, and an eggplant robe covering her midnight dress, both decorated with yellow stars.
 
"Care to have your life laid out before you?" The woman asked, watching carefully as the girl discarded her heels, throwing them onto one of the maroon pillows lining the edge of the tent.
 
She answered in slurred words, but the woman saw them for what they were.
 
"Money has no value to me as it does for you." The woman motioned toward the ash grey pillow in between them. "Sit and let me show you how to regain everything you had before. And more."
 
Curiosity mixed in with her tipsy feelings, and before she knew what she was doing, the girl plopped down on the pillow, shoving her palms in the woman's direction. The woman noticed the slight flush in her cheeks but did not mistake them as nerves.
 
"Kali," The woman breathed, taking her hands. Before the girl, Kali, could question how she knew her name, the woman closed her eyes and squeezed her fingers tightly. "Your name holds a special kind of power."
 
Eyes wide, Kali's nerves buzzed with excitement, as a new sort of drunk took over her.
 
"The Hindu Goddess of Destruction has favored you," the woman stated, voice monotone. "But you've failed every test she's ever blessed you with. Her interest grows wary creating your fate to darken. She brought you to me so we may speak of her freely."
 
Eyes snapping open, Kali watched the woman's eyes flash a golden hue before returning to the endless brown they were before. Soon, her vision grew blurry.
 
"What was his name? The one who broke you into the person you are today?" The woman's question stung, and Kali felt her eyes peel layers of her skin away with the madden look in her eyes.
 
"Baran," Kali answered, the name gave her shivers, creating a maze for the cold sweats dripping down her spine.
 
The woman nodded, pulling Kali's hands closer. Sobriety slipped its way into Kali, the cool feeling tickled her fingers as though it was the woman's doing, and spread its way through her whole body. Her eyes grew dry as though she hadn't blinked for hours, making Kali question what hour it was. Instinctively, Kali ran her tongue over her teeth, but it was like a dried-up sponge in a dust storm. Her heart had slowed unknowing to her until now, as her body ached all over.

Exhaustion itself was tiring.

"We've unlayered far too much than you're used to," The woman mumbled, loosening her grip on Kali. "Perhaps we best resume this later, when you're energy is restored and shrine is complete."

The words held expectation Kali was barely able to grasp, as she felt herself fade into her body.

"I don't," Each word came out soft and slow, "have a shrine."

"The sooner you create one, the more power you'll wield and the higher favor you'll have from your favorer."
Word Count: 534
Want a part 2? Let me know in the comments below! :)

References~
~I'm a sucker for long titles, but the caps thing is partly inspired by PouringOutTheSun, whom I love their writing. Sooooooo good, literally, it's only their long freakin' pieces and A Breath Into Silence's that I can read and never tire. I envy their world-building!!
~So this is based on old Hinduism, but is completely fictional and like a spin off-take of it. Hopefully, the culture and its believers take no offense!
~Here's one website that might help, here


Like this piece? Read my piece, IT IS FORBIDDEN THAT EGYPTIAN DEITIES LOVE MORTAL-HATING DEMONS, THEY'RE MEANT TO DESTROY THEM (it's based on Egyptian mytholgy)

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11 Comments
  • Wisp

    Last comment I swear! I meant love on the last part of that analysis, not live (though I do live for your pieces). I’m on my phone so autocorrect kinda hates me. And yeah, these are pretty long comments honestly.


    about 2 months ago
  • Wisp

    I did that other analysis for your Dionysus piece not too long ago, and now I’m in an analytical kind of mood, so here we go!
    “Cigarettes stained her lips and alcohol decorated her skin-tight black dress in moist patches, as she tripped on her ruby red stilettos and into the glimmering purple silk tent.”
    Your openers are just breathtaking and mind blowing and this is no exception. The imagery and description here is so intricately woven that it’s as if you can see the girl right in front of you. I am a sucker for your imagery and it’s so clear cut and divinely written here.
    "Sit and let me show you how to regain everything you had before. And more."
    There’s a sense of loss and sadness here and this sentence illustrates it in a subtle way. It’s not an obvious show, and I think that’s what brings out its meaning more. The way you’ve referenced her hurt in such a minimal manner is so quick you almost miss it. And the italics really put pressure on this idea that she’s lost a lot, so much that it has led her to where she is right now.
    “Eyes wide, Kali's nerves buzzed with excitement, as a new sort of drunk took over her.”
    We refer to drunkenness as this sense of freedom and letting go. By saying a new type of drunk, you’ve created this all new element of excitement that the girl possesses, it’s wondrous and it has the reader thinking of this newfound ecstasy the girl has.
    "But you've failed every test she's ever blessed you with. Her interest grows wary creating your fate to darken. She brought you to me so we may speak of her freely."
    The tie in to the girl's pain from before that I mentioned is just wonderfully woven here, in a way that is all the more impactful. Because by the dialogue spoken, it’s like the girl has been broken tremendously, from having taken a liking by the Goddess of Destruction. Indication that either she is destructive or someone around her is.
    “The woman's question stung, and Kali felt her eyes peel layers of her skin away with the madden look in her eyes.”
    I feel the underlying tone here is hurt and pain. This next description here really brings that out flawlessly, in a way that I just can’t get enough of.
    “...the name gave her shivers, creating a maze for the cold sweats dripping down her spine.”
    Now we know the cause of this, which is a tie in with the title. I think it adds a sense that is just wonderfully explained and it really is darling the way it is woven into the piece.
    “Sobriety slipped its way into Kali, the cool feeling tickled her fingers as though it was the woman's doing, and spread its way through her whole body.”
    The use of the word sobriety really caught my eye here, and it’s just lovely. I love how you’ve addressed her exhaustion, as if her ecstasy has finally come down to a crash. Beautifully worded.
    “The words held expectation Kali was barely able to grasp, as she felt herself fade into her body.”
    The word expectation really fits in well here. Expectation feels like the weight of the world on your shoulders and the fact that the girl herself is dogged by pain and misfortune adds a touch to the whole situation. It shows how much she has truly been broken, and the following sentences unravel this rather darlingly.
    Critiques:
    -The ending just didn’t feel complete to me, like it was missing something. Perhaps you have written a part 2 which leaves way for this emptiness that is created by the ending. Something was missing throughout the piece, and usually endings have everything clicked together, but this one felt like we had stopped right in the middle of the climax, like the whole story was out of order.
    -"Perhaps we best resume this later, when you're energy is restored and shrine is complete." Wrong type of your used here, but of course we all make these mistakes, myself included, so it’s nothing but a mere grammatical error.
    -I feel you could’ve expanded a little in Baran. Like we were getting there, but then exhaustion sought the girl, and perhaps it’s expanded in the second piece, but here it just feels lacking in a way. It didn’t have to be explicit, maybe even the start of a sentence like “He was...” and then a trailing off would’ve sufficed and indicated something deep in the hurt of her, as if her hurt ran so deep she couldn’t even muster a description of this Baran.
    Side notes:
    -The underlying tone of hurt was so beautiful and I just couldn’t help but be blown away when the pieces clicked together.
    -I really like the direction you took this with the Hindu deities and all, it really has a different effect from some of your other works.
    - I will definitely be heading to your Egyptian gods piece. In fact, I’ll be going there next.
    -I feel like a little girl at a museum looking at all these cool things, that’s what it’s like analyzing and picking apart your pieces, aweing and new and just all around a magnificent experience.
    -In live with your work as always


    about 2 months ago
  • Wisp

    I learned about Hindu deities in Global Studies last year, and while I didn’t retain a lot of it, I love the tie in here with “god of destruction.” It really gives the piece a more in depth experience and I just adored that. Lovely lovely lovely.


    about 2 months ago
  • Wicked!

    Part 2. Please. That was a very intriguing ending. Shiva and Kali are the coolest and the most badass of the Hindu deities and I stan.


    5 months ago
  • purplepanache

    replying: omg, thats such a cute thing to say, im blushing ahhhhhhhhh


    5 months ago
  • Sanjana Sunilkumar

    This is so good and btw, Shiva isn't a female Goddess. He is the destroyer of the worlds.


    5 months ago
  • Halopoet

    I want a part twoooooo. Cuz this is just the best thing on earth, im very interesting in fortune telling and I actually believe in it so this was a really interesting read for me.


    5 months ago
  • purplepanache

    it's bedtime for me out here and my eyes are giving out but this is very captivating. i adore how you've woven something so worldly with the divine--it creates this aura of foreboding. also, i absolutely love how the woman seeks spiritual help-- how her stakes are inextricably connected to the goddess she's named after. finally, in my opinion, kali is one of the most mysterious, underrepresented goddesses in hinduism. would love a part 2!


    5 months ago
  • CDWillson

    i'll admit, i left more confused than when i entered, but in a good way. i don't know much about Hinduism, so it's nice to see some fiction based around it-- makes it more mysterious. but from this alone, it makes me want to learn more!


    5 months ago
  • chrysanthemums&ink

    ""What was his name? The one who broke you into the person you are today?"" oh god that just so good. and the opening description as well, it just introduces us to the character so... immaculately ;) hehe. but like yes please part 2. <333


    5 months ago
  • poetri

    uh yes part two. this was so good :)


    5 months ago