Peer Review by And_The_Stars_Laughed (United States)

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five seconds

By: erin!


FREE WRITING


sometimes i talk so fast that the world forgets what to do with me.
my mouth goes numb.
my mind hits a stop sign,
and i’m left sitting mid sentence on a thought i’ve failed to finish.

what is poetry // can we explain it? for if j.d. salinger took one more risk // and put holden’s thoughts in free verse, no capitals // would we be dropping flowery language in exchange for teenage angst?

did you know that i’ve got a knack for rapping i mean it’s really quite strange my personality isn’t filled with swagger but if you hand me the words i can spit a rhyme meaner and faster than drake and eminem if they tried combined.
but i’ve got more of a travis scott personality oh miss me with the kanye bull let’s not even go there
___

it must be that my throat is too well rested i just like
the sound of my voice
it’s got a nice youthful timbre
but it’s the content that counts and i’m afraid my batting average 
isn’t great in that department.

oh you’re still here you’re still listening!
oh.
___

has it been milliseconds or years i keep editing what i want to say-what i’m trying to say is i agree
i wonder what you’re thinking
if our faces mirror one another right now
because mine must be one of deep thought
though the deepest i got was the edge on the shallow side.

water ripples but it’s strong / i used to think i could control the sink / with my chubby untrained hands / now i know the only things watery about me / are my tear ducts and my resume,

sometimes i sit with my thoughts for so long
gripping onto a funny anecdote
that will only make sense in the future

but i've lost it and my brain has to recover
from spinning so quickly
now we’re deprived of air
and i’m still sitting mid sentence
having gone around the globe.

oh i know this is a mess but i kind of love it.

Peer Review

I absolutely love how you switched up the rhythm of this piece multiple times, I thought it worked quite well!! I enjoyed how, in the beginning, it had more of a free-verse poetry tone/feel to it (in that the lines followed one-after-the-other), but then, it shifted, making it sound more like a rap. I think you did a wonderful job connecting the piece from the beginning to the end as well, really bringing it full-circle in a sense. I like how, in the opening stanza, you said "and i'm left mid sentence on a thought i've failed to finish," and then again, at the end, you said: "and i'm still sitting mid sentence having gone around the globe." I also really enjoyed, how, in some stanzas, you didn't use much punctuation (if any), for I think that it contributed to the "rap" tone and the sort of chaotic but composed state carries through. Awesome job!


Perhaps you could think about how it might impact your piece if you considered formatting it in a way that followed more of a pattern? I love how you shift from a more poetic feel to more of a rap, but maybe you could consider lining this up differently, per se. I noticed that in the first "half" of this piece you simply formatted the first stanza in a typical free-verse poetry way, then you used dashes to break it up, and then you shifted to not using much punctuation at all. How do you think it might affect your piece if you considered doing the same to the second "half" of the piece. However, feel no need to take this suggestion, its just a thought that came to me. :)


Reviewer Comments

Overall, this was a really fun piece to read and review, I love the rhythm to it -- I enjoyed it thoroughly!!! If you have any questions about this review, feel free to let me know, I'd be happy to help! In the meantime, keep writing!! :)