17| Just a dreamer who exists solely in her words because the real world is too damaging of her fragile nature. her biggest dream is to escape her tiny island and let the world read her works

Hoodies, Brownies and 'Sad Girl Hours'

July 17, 2020


It's July 8th today. I write this date like it has some significant meaning when it doesn't. Dates mean nothing to us. We don't even care about the days we were born. There isn't going to be my normal spiel of questions about your well being because I know you're fine. Out of the two of us, you're the one who is always fine. I guess it's because I've suffered more trauma that I'm mostly never okay. I will tell you that I miss you though. And there isn't anything I miss specifically, you just always had this way of getting through to me and making me feel at peace. I haven't felt at peace in months. And I honestly don't know what to do about it. I wish you were here right now with me to review my current WIP or to take stupid pictures of me and edit for fun. I wish I had our phone in my hand right at this moment so we could listen to your 'Sad Girl Hours' playlist. Because with the two of us, it's always sad girl hours. 

I think I wore my mum down and I might be able to dye my hair for my birthday. And I know that is a couple months away but I've been prepping since last year. Birthday's were never really important to me but I feel as though this one should be epic. I'm turning 18 so why not do something spectacular? The option of dyeing your hair is still on the table if you're up for it. We can do it on your birthday. Also about the stuff you want for your birthday, I'm pretty sure I can convince my mum to get it but only if I can get a taste. 

I'm sitting here writing this and my mind is lingering on that day after out Ethics test when we just started playing sad songs and singing along. We probably disrupted so many classes. But we had a right to feel free after feeling so anxious all day. 

I spent this time apart just drowning in sad, romantic fanfiction. Is it still weird that I can only stomach romance in fanfiction? Well, now I know a lot about Harry Potter even though I have never touched the books or looked at the movies. I find it to be quite sad a series. It seems I am still attracted to sad things. Harry Potter reminded me of how much I love Percy Jackson and the Olympians. I need to find the books again. I need to raid your book collection and sleep in your bed and drink loads of iced coffee again. I miss our routine. Just sitting in your room while we both do different things in pure silence. Walking down that dreadfully long hill from school and being super sweaty at the end. I miss our laughter that kept me going to reach the bottom of that stupid hill. I never want to walk that hill again but at the same time, I do. I miss our smiles. I miss our tears. Remember that one time you panicked because you had never seen me cry before that moment? I'm totally not sorry. It was one tear, Lindsay. One tear.

You don't need to worry about me Lindsay. No need to cry yourself to sleep or stay up late sick with worry. I'm not going to do anything stupid like I did last semester that left my body marred and my mind broken. I'm fine for now. You know how I get sometimes when my mind is filled to the brim with thoughts that I can't do away with. But I promise to be fine so we can see each other again. And we'll take stupid photos and listen to sad playlists and talk about the future and our friendships that are dying. We'll plot for how I'm going to Japan and how you're going to make a home in China. Then we'll laugh and drink some tea and eat those brownies we baked earlier that day. It's so vivid in my mind that I feel like it already happened. Maybe because we've talked about it so much since we've been stuck in this situation. But it hasn't happened yet. I'll be patient and wait because you're my best friend and I miss no one else like I miss you. Not even the guy I would drop everything for. I may say he comes first but you will always be #1 to me. You're my favourite.

Speaking of missing you, I don't think I have let go of that hoodie. You know the one you gave me for my birthday last year when we still lived normal lives? The gray one that reminds me of a cardigan and is just so soft? Yeah, that hoodie. It collects my tears when the weight of the world is too much and you're not there to hold me. I think  I'm going to hug you and not let go. I'm going to sit in your lap and try to become one with you. You're my best friend Lindsay and best friends should never be kept apart. And I look forward to my brownies for visiting the psychologist.

And I just want to apologize. I know talking online was never our thing so we've been trash at it. I would try but you know how my house is. I keep joking to my mum that I'm Rapunzel. Well she thinks it's a joke. My only regret is I have no one to rescue me from my tower. And maybe it's okay that I haven't really been talking to you online. We both know I would never say most of these things to you anywhere else. I believe that all my words should be poetic. That's a huge difference between us. You would be able to say everything I have said in this to my face.




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