I get so caught up in the details, sometimes I forget why I’m here.
The details are that I’m the first of a generation, a kind of experiment to see if there’s really any merit to this whole 美国人 thing.
If I slip up, it reflects on a family. My skin, too tan, already puts a wrinkle in my mother’s smile.
The details are that my attention span is painfully short, that I fall asleep in class all of the time and my friends have to cover for me, adjusting their bodies to shield me from the teacher.
And on the outside I seem fine, this glowing smiling person who has her life figured out because did you hear what she got on that test? Somehow, I got it in my head that my grades are etched into my skin, a testament to my worth, my value.
I wrote into existence the idea that I’d become cooler in college, that there was no point in building bridges here because eventually, I’d leave for better sights.
But only if that college is a name brand. And that just proves I’m still a loser.
The details lay in the fact that fundamentally I think differently from how I treat myself. I seem to have compartmentalized my personal feelings from my moral beliefs and that’s how I’ve allowed myself to get stomped on by my psyche.
I have big dreams:
I want to build a world where any two children can laugh and play as though their respective nations are not at war in the conference room.
I want to see the fruit of education be handed out to every corner of the world not to westernize these regions but to give them a platform upon which their cultures and morals can shine.
And I think I can do all that I really do,
But it’s a big picture to put into practice
And I’m going to have to get out of my head.
I’m here because my parents chased a dream and took a leap, effectively ending what would have been the never-ending cycle of censorship and stunted growth.
I’m here because I work hard and even though I go to school in my pajamas people still listen to what I have to say because I make it clear it matters.
Life is more than just numbers in my portal or my rank out of four hundred because billions more could outshine me all the same.
I have work to do when it comes to seeing myself as more than a guinea pig but I’ll get there if given the time.
I’m allowed to spend hours in the sun, to be reckless, to sleep at home rather than in class, and to grow up with dreams and a plan to carve them out.
I’ve been exhausting myself, going over the details.
I don’t doubt that the world will open itself up once I do the same.
美国人: meiguoren, "American"
This was really a brain vomit so go easy on me HAHA