Peer Review by HelpMe512 (United States)

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The Replacement

By: seaomelette


When Madeline opened her eyes that morning, she immediately sensed that something was wrong. Terribly wrong. 

First of all, the house, which was incredibly noisy at all times during the day except the night, was deathly quiet. And second of all, there was another Madeline sitting on the edge of her bed. 

If you ignored the fact of how peculiar (and creepy, for that matter) it was to have your doppelganger appear suddenly on the edge of your bed, this new Madeline was very, very strange. She had the same shoulder-length black hair, the same wide blue eyes, the same bony shoulders--she was perfectly identical to the original Madeline except for the odd emptiness in her eyes, beneath her pajamas. It was if someone had taken Madeline's appearance and pasted it haphazardly on a wire frame with nothing else but gaps and empty spaces. 

Madeline clutched her duvet and opened her mouth to scream. 

"Shh, shh!" whispered the other Madeline suddenly, twisting her body with alien speed and clamping a hand over the original Madeline's mouth. 

Terrified, the original Madeline shut her mouth and tried to ignore the feeling of that cold, clammy hand, so uncannily similar to her own. 

"Will you be silent?" the other Madeline asked. 

Her voice sounded like Madeline's, but the words came awkwardly, haltingly, like they were the last granules of cocoa powder being squeezed through a sieve. 

Madeline clutched her duvet tighter and nodded rapidly. The other Madeline straightened robotically and removed her hand from Madeline's face. 

"My name is Madeline Olivia Hartman, and I'm your replacement," said the other Madeline. "Will you please get out of my bed?"

The original Madeline was now more than a little annoyed. 

"Replacement? But I'm the original Madeline Oli-" began Madeline, sitting up against the pillows and glaring at the imposter on her bed. 

"No, I'm the original Madeline Olivia Hartman, and you're sitting in my bed," said the other Madeline, frowning slightly. 

"B-b-but," sputtered Madeline. 

"Silence!" said the other Madeline, those strange eyes sparking furiously. "Now, get out of my bed."

Madeline gulped and hurried to do so, confused, scared, and angry. She scooted off her bed and onto the floor, and watched the other Madeline slide into her place, tuck the duvet up to that hollow chin. 

Standing on the cold floor, Madeline crossed her arms. At this point, she didn't know who she was anymore. Last night, she was Madeline Olivia Hartman, looking forward to a new day; and this morning, she was a nobody, watching "Madeline Olivia Hartman" getting into her bed. 

"What are you?" she asked the imposter, who was just closing her eyes and going off to sleep as if she hadn't kicked the original Madeline out of bed. 

The other Madeline opened her eyes, radiating annoyance like a 50-foot pyre of it. She looked less hollow now, as if she had further soaked into her persona. Her hair was less limp, her eyes were brighter, her cheeks less pointed. 

"I'm Madeline," she said, sounding for all the world like the original Madeline standing beside the bed, "and you are disturbing my sleep."

With that, she closed her eyes and slipped a little deeper beneath the duvet. 

Madeline began to stomp towards the bed, intent on tossing her imposter out of it. Mid-stomp, she paused. Her feet had suddenly turned pasty pale, sinking onto the delicate bones, revealing spidery webs of translucent veins and capillaries. Madeline stumbled and sat hurriedly on the floor. She raised her hands to her face. Before her eyes, the healthy pink flush was vanishing, skin turning glass-like. Madeline watched as her pinky fingers vanished completely. She jerked her head down, in a panic, just in time to watch her ankles fade into nothingness. Her paper shins crumpled soundlessly, her knees wobbled and disappeared. 

As Madeline's face began to disintegrate, she watched her bedroom door open, her mom poke her head in.

"Maddie, sweet," she called, "Wake up, you have to go to school!"

The other Madeline yawned and stretched.

"Okay, mom, I'm coming," she murmured sleepily, swinging her feet off the bed and through the last translucent bits of Madeline's face. 

Hehe, gotta love writing scary stories in the middle of the year. 

Message to Readers

Is there anything I can revise or improve? Please let me know!

Peer Review

This was super super good! Your description is amazing, and the way you made it just the right amount of eerie is incredible! I also think this is a super cool concept.

Truthfully, I had a hard time finding things wrong with this. Perhaps you could add an explanation of what exactly happened to Madeline, because thought the ending was amazing, it brought up a lot of questions.

Reviewer Comments

You're really talented, and I really enjoyed reading this!