Peer Review by TwentyOneTimelords (United States)

Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.

Tap on comment to view. Using a mouse?

Hover over comments to view. On a touch device?


Business Negotiations

By: avoiding the big bang


FREE WRITING

    My mom is afraid of going to the carwash.  Our old van sat around for over a year collecting dust and pollen and bird poop and rainwater gunk.  If you opened the passenger side door your hand would turn toffee-brown.  The windshield sagged under a vignette of old who-knew-what.
    She asked me to scrub down the car with a hose and a sponge on hands and knees.  I was indignant until she offered payment.
    “How much?”
    “How about you make an offer and I’ll tell you whether or not I accept it?”
    I thought for a while.  My lips worked uncertainly around heavy numbers.  “Ten dollars?”
    “You can go as high as you want, you know.”
    “… Fifteen dollars?”  That felt unfair.  “Thirteen dollars?  Twelve dollars?  I don't know.  Ten is fine.”
    The job sat around not being done.  Two weeks later Mom approached me again.
    “Fifty dollars if you do it on Thursday.”
    I did it on Thursday.


Peer Review

I just really loved how authentic this piece felt! Your word choices (gunk, vignette, indignant, etc.), the dialogue, and the overall tone of the story was very real and almost conversational--in a good way! It was also somewhat humorous, and I could identify with it.


I think you did a great job! It was a small little snapshot, and I don't feel like anything needs to be added. (But why is your mom afraid of going to the car wash? You could maybe do a prequel to this, if there's a good story there...)


Reviewer Comments

I really, really like it! I think this is a piece that will stick with me. Great job, and keep writing!! :)