Peer Review by seaomelette (United Arab Emirates)

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#astoryfullstop, Prologue

By: EetIshMeh


FREE WRITING

REVISED VERSION 


Moonlight streamed through a gap in the curtains, illuminating the foot of Saturn’s bed. She pulled the covers up closer to her chin, her toes bathed in the magical shine. She wriggled them, pretending she could feel the light like she would cold water. She closed her eyes, but thoughts of how amazing it would be to swim in moonlight kept her awake. She flipped over on her side, facing the bed on her right.
    “Mercury,” she whispered. “You asleep yet?”
    “Yep,” her twin brother muttered in reply.
    Saturn rolled her eyes and kicked her leg off her bed, poking her brother’s back with her toes. “Then wake up.”
    No reply.
    “Mercury! Come on, I’m bored.” She dragged the last word out. Mercury abruptly turned over. Saturn was still poking him with her foot, so the movement caused her to be pushed off the other side of her bed. Her long hair flopped in front of her face, obscuring her vision.  She heard Mercury laughing at her.
    Saturn bounced to her feet, then walked over to the desk on the far side of the room. She picked a purple scrunchie and tied her golden hair up in a messy ponytail, still full of tangles.
    She turned around, and saw Mercury standing behind her. His wavy black hair seemed to shine in the moonlight, his small smile gleaming. He was about to say something when the doorbell sounded. The twins exchanged a look and Saturn flipped the lights on. Mercury peered at the clock. “Quarter past midnight.” He turned back to Saturn, confusion, curiosity and perhaps some fear in his eyes.
    “Who could that be at this time?” Saturn whispered, pulling at the long sleeves of her jumper absentmindedly, thinking.
    They heard the front door being unlocked. Without a word, Saturn opened the bedroom door as quietly as possible, sneaking outside. Her brother followed after turning off the lights—a habit they adopted when they left a room. They crouched down at the banister of the top stair, peering down to the living hall. The yellow lights illuminated their aunt, who was babysitting them at her house while their parents were on a trip. She had her back turned to them, talking with someone on the other side of the doorway.
    Saturn sensed something was wrong. She didn’t like it at all. Apparently, so did Mercury, because he stood up.
    “Aunt Violette?” he asked quietly. “What’s going on?”
    The siblings’ aunt turned to face them, worry etched on her face. “Come here, children.” She spoke calmly and comfortingly, though her eyes showed great sadness.
    Saturn stood up and walked by her brother’s side as they made their way down the staircase. When they reached their aunt, she knelt down slightly so she could speak to her eleven-year-old niece and nephew face to face.
    It was then that Saturn and Mercury saw what was outside their house.
    Flashing blue and red lights illuminated the pathway across the garden to the front door. Two people were nearby, conversing with each other. They were wearing uniforms.
    Police uniforms.
    Saturn felt Mercury grip her hand. Well, not exactly. His jacket sleeve covered it. She knew that they both had come to the same conclusion, which worried Saturn because she’d been hoping to be wrong.
    Aunt Vi finally collected herself enough to speak. “Children… I’m so sorry to say this, but….” She put her head in her right hand, squeezing her eyes shut. “This is something no child should ever have to hear. Saturn, Mercury… your parents won’t ever be coming home.”
    Saturn felt numb. She knew she should be experiencing grief, or fear, but at that moment she couldn’t feel anything. She and her brother were linked, so sometimes when they touched she could partially feel his emotions, but now, even with his sleeve in between them, the sadness and shock her brother was feeling radiated off him in waves. Maybe that’s what she was feeling. Shock. It would explain the void in her heart that was slowly manifesting.
    To have been completely honest would’ve been for her to admit that she couldn’t believe it. Or, more accurately, didn’t want to believe it. As if it could make everything that was said a lie.
    But it wasn’t.
    She knew she was about to lose control. She could feel it in the surge of Power bubbling in her chest. She tugged on her brother’s arm and they both ran upstairs to their bedroom, away from the disorientating flashing lights of the sirens, away from the sights of the police. Aunt Vi made no move to stop them.
    No Powerless must know, unless you trust them completely and fully. Us Powerful must remember that and be careful.
    One of the conversations their parents had drilled into their minds sounded in Saturn’s head. She blinked hard, subduing the tears before they came, her grief finally catching up with her. She didn’t bother to be gentle when she shut the bedroom door. It seemed too trivial to matter.
    Then things changed.
    The objects in the room started rattling, shaking, mirroring Saturn’s feelings of anger at the world and her devastation at her parents’ fate. Mercury was sitting in a corner of the room, flickering in and out of vision, just like some of the things closest to him.
    Saturn felt helpless. She’d never lost this much control over her telekinesis before, and it scared her. She was pretty darn certain that Mercury had only accidentally used his invisibility this much that one time he nearly got kidnapped. He was much better at controlling his Strong Power than she was with hers, so seeing his shoulders shake as he faded and materialised before her was a sickeningly real wake-up call.
    Saturn could think of nothing else to do, so she pulled off the covers on their beds and draped hers over herself like a cape, the other one on Mercury in the same way. Then they huddled close together in the corner, where the moonlight couldn’t touch them, crying softly as they mourned the loss of their parents.
    Saturn wished she could have hugged her brother, so they could properly help each other through their grief.
    But she knew that would just make things a whole lot worse.

(Revised it because of crow_e's peer review on my OG piece!)
So I've decided to publish my work in progress here. I'm stopping the Greek Gods thing until I manage to get my plot ironed out. Anyway, you can check the hashtag in the title for following chapters (as of when I'm writing this there are none) because I have yet to think of a proper name.  

Message to Readers

Feedback appreciated!


Peer Review

I love the vivid descriptions of the characters, their surroundings, their thoughts--they're relatively simple in terms of structure, but they convey so much meaning! I actually got chills reading this piece--especially the part when Saturn and Mercury discovered their parents had died. I also really love the idea of two twins with special powers.


I think this prologue is an excellent introduction to the story--it provides readers with a first glimpse of Mercury and Saturn, how they're different from "Powerless" people, and ushers in the story. I don't think any additional details would be necessary. :)


Reviewer Comments

Keep up the amazing work! I can't wait to read more!!