Flowing Ink

United States

enjoy my ever-changing existence through this wondrous world of words

Message to Readers

this was just venting and when i read it over i thought "huh, this is pretty angsty but has a couple of good metaphors in it so i'll publish it anyway." shamelessly took inspiration from chrysanthemums & ink, go check out her piece "i'll take my inferiority complex to go thank you" its really really good, feedback is welcome ok i'll stop talking now

not enough

June 29, 2020

FREE WRITING

2
oh so do you think that I fish for compliments because I can't possibly be this pathetic? no I really am this way and I hate it, i'm sorry that my inadequacy makes you uncomfortable because i know deep down you think it too, you think that my little scribbles with a pen and my over dramatic cover ups are all just imitations of a lie that i've been living for years and however much you deny it, you can sense my existence and the disgusted pity you feel is one you refuse to confront.
 
hate how my eyes continue to focus on every scrutiny in the mirror oh little darling you don't have to care about your appearance but then a voice creeps in and says that even i prioritize a pretty face over an ugly one, no no no look at your own fucking prejudices and how they spit on your own face from time to time look at how you can't make anyone stay with you no matter how hard you try look at your grades your face your body yout social life and learn to hate yourself with every fiber of your being and then we can talk.

 learn to overthink every word you say and still manage to say the wrong things because ha ha you are a socially inept idiot who nobody can stand learn to ignore the tears running down your face and force a shaky too-big smile and insist you are fine even when people desperately try to help you because you can't be anymore of a burden then you already are, you are a drowning man at sea refusing to accept a lifeline because the struggle for survival is all you've ever known and being on a boat that can sink anytime is scarier than perishing in the frigid abyss and fighting tooth and nail with the roaring tides. look me in the fucking eye and tell me that my desperate grab towards positivity is pointless when those compliments are the driftwood i float on when swimming for my life has become too much to bear.

when you understand that, then tell me, am i fishing for compliments? i hate how i need this attention to sustain me but please that passing "you look nice today" is keeping me alive even when i refute it, that comment gives me a warmth that i cannot make i am a cold blooded girl in the tundra trying not to freeze to death and trying not to bring anyone down with me. i hate that i agree with you, i hate my weakness, i hate everything and i just want to be stable for once in my life instead of constantly reaching towards a light i can never attain for once i just want to be enough without needing the words of strangers to confirm my happiness for once i want be happy with myself but i cant i never cant and instead i will one day die chasing this hopeless dream and when that day comes i know i will be alone.

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  • June 29, 2020 - 5:24pm (Now Viewing)

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