A Certain Type of Decisive

United States

Just your unfriendly neighborhood disaster, bringing you bi-weekly updates from the bottom of my own shoe!

Message to Readers

Guess who's been writing a single poem over the past two weeks?? It's me. I'm exhausted and finally got over some writer's block. When this was a draft, it was called "hrmm," like the villager noise, in case you were curious.


October 20, 2020


Tell me mother, which do you think hurts more
To burn as a star forever or to become a black hole?
Today I learned that
After six weeks of decomposing, a rat's body will have swollen so much
That there is no longer enough skin to contain him
He bursts, a glorious display of blood and rot
At sixteen weeks, he will be nearly dust
On my walk today I saw a sign that
There are three missing cats in my neighborhood
Big red letters read:
And I'm okay but
Sometimes I wonder if God has posted a similar sign about me
Maybe no one's ever chased me
Because I've never run
Tell me mother, do you think
The stars believe that humans reach for the dark and not them?
Maybe it's wrong to know that I'd find comfort in that
I'm allowed to find comfort in just about anything-- there's a crisis on
Did you know the human heart is about the size of a rat?
It's been sixteen weeks since I was in school-
There is a part of me that has returned to dust
One night, I dreamt of a woman who was forced
To close her mouth around a knot of barbed wire
Over and over and over
And I was powerless to help her
I couldn't even call out to comfort her, she didn't know I was watching
And I'm okay
And I'm so okay all the time
And I'm always happy and safe and okay 
But there is so much pain in the world
And if there is nothing I can do,
Tell me mother, wouldn't it be better
To try and forget it?
To tune out the woman's screams?
To ignore that the world is broken and hurting and it sucks?
And it sucks?
If there is someone out there who was plagued by night terrors of eating barbed wire
If you can, take comfort in knowing you weren't alone
Tell me mother, what do think is worse
To dream of horrors or to wake, knowing that something inside of you could come up with them?
Some part of me is not reaching for the stars, but the dark
And the stars know it 
And they labelled it with big red letters that read:
Do Not Chase, 
Tell me mother, how much have I changed
Since the world disappeared?
I miss seeing strangers every day
Poetry is so much harder without someone to romanticize
Who is left for me to dream of kissing under the moonlight,
But the moon, itself?
I'm allowed to be lonely, there's a crisis on
Grown ups draw space as pretty purples and blues, with flashes of yellow
And stars the line up with wondrous planets
But kids just draw white dots on black paper
Because they've never known the sky by anything other than what they see
Have you seen me? 
If you do, I'm sure you'll be something of a psychic
Or a prophet when you they say
Do Not Chase--
Cats don't understand that actions can exist in two dimensions
And posted on street corners for everyone to understand but them
Perhaps stars can communicate in a similar way
Five dimensional ideas that exist in every way, all the time, for everyone,
But we do not understand
After ten billion years, a star will have burned for so long
That there is no longer enough fuel to sustain her
She bursts, a brilliant display of fire and gas
In three seconds, she is dark
Starlight travels, long after death--
It is not tragically beautiful or inspirational
It's just the folly of living life in three dimensions
I'm allowed to be over-dramatic, there's a crisis on
I'm okay, but there's a crisis on
The world is broken and hurting and it sucks
And it sucks
For all the people out there plagued by day terrors of this world
If you can, take comfort in knowing you aren't forgotten
And maybe I've never known anything except what I can see
But I've seen you before and I always remember stranger's faces
I try to call out to you, to tell you I'm listening
Because poetry's so much easy with someone to love
Tell me mother, what am I supposed to do when
Rats spread disease, but remain essential to curing them?
I refuse to judge animals, I am not their creator
I'm allowed to be indecisive, mother
I'm allowed to be confused, mother
I'm allowed to be afraid
I know you have no answers, but I still get nightmares
And want you to console me
Fear is not weakened by growth, just shifted one place to the left
And It is not tragically beautiful or inspirational 
It's just the folly of living life in four dimensions
I fear that I'll burst, a display tears and secrets kept too long
But maybe it's too late
Perhaps, mother
My heart is already dust
You ever think how "rats" spelled backwards is "star?" I wanted to put it in the poem, but I'm not sure where it would go.


See History
  • October 20, 2020 - 5:36pm (Now Viewing)

Login or Signup to provide a comment.

  • Anne Blackwood

    Re: And yeah I TOTALLY understand not wanting to go down the "sorting children" path; it's kinda weird and somewhat overdone.

    7 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Re: Ooh, yeah it is kinda like a bunch of birds lol! I guess someone could anthropomorphize birds and write the story about them XD (kinda like the Guardians of Gahoole series).

    7 months ago
  • mirkat

    I feel the emotion radiating off this piece. I am the emotion. This was wonderful to read and I love it and you are an amazing writer. I understand completely what you were trying to say. The repetition of "Do Not Chase" is brilliant. But this line is how I feel every second of every day: "And I'm okay/ And I'm so okay all the time/ And I'm always happy and safe and okay/ But there is so much pain in the world/ And if there is nothing I can do,/ Tell me mother, wouldn't it be better/ To try and forget it?"
    YES YES YES! I feel this so much and so hard! ANd the rat part and the stars and the feeling you will just burst. I love this! Keep writing! <3 <3 <3

    Re: Thanks for your comments! I loved hearing from you and glad you love my poem. Yeah,, I was a little unsure about the whole "onism" thing and will start working on another draft. I'm also glad that you ask those questions too. So... have a wonderful day! <3

    7 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Yes. YES. What Abi said. I'm so glad you get an eloquent comment on this piece because I'm just a sputtering fool again. "The stars believe that humans reach for the dark and not them?" Oh wow. Um. About that dream, I'm so sorry if that actually happened to you. I've only ever had one dream that horrifying and I don't talk about it. Anyway, this is magnificent, as usual.

    7 months ago
  • AbiJoy

    Oh god it's hard to leave a comment on this because it's like that field of snow everyone's always so concerned about marring with their footprints. Or because we live in a desert, it's like a really big and delicate bubble that you want to touch but uh, "Do not chase" y'know? This is really creative and scary and wonderful. It's like those Don't Hug Me I'm Scared videos on YouTube that make you upset but also extremely invested in knowing more? You are an excellent writer that can elicit horror and wonder in the same sentence.

    9 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Replying: Thank you so much it really means a lot

    10 months ago