N.

United States

INTP | science & art | leo

watercolor & sea salt

my goal is to become a cryptic elderly soapmaker.

very gay, very liberal, credible knowledge is power

member of the lady knights guild

Joined Sep. 2018

Message to Readers

before i go any farther, the goodbye is not like, a "goodbye i'm ditching wtw" thing, it's a ~symbolic~ goodbye to my ex. because all my other title ideas were. not. good. teehee.

because i love to overshare, here's the tea: a lot of my more recent pieces that i've shared have focused on some sort of nebulous him or have somber sapphic vibes. to explain, i had a boyfriend who i dated for about six months (there's still some old stuff from like september about him oOPS) before, around march, i started realizing that i didn't really like him romantically. i spent at least a year of my life as openly bisexual (and years before that as the same, just closeted), and even came out to my parents as such. but, the older i get, the more i realize that i don't really like guys romantically. a few months ago, i took this a lot harder than i ought've, and if anyone else has been in a situation like me, check out the contrarian's piece on compulsory heterosexuality and internalized homophobia. it explained a lot of what i was feeling and why.

obviously, everything turned out alright in the end, as i hope the poem implied. i ended things with my ex on great terms, and we're still good friends.

and i'm hella gay. happy pride ;)

goodbye

June 29, 2020

FREE WRITING

14
 i.
it was bliss, just like they said, but absence
makes the heart grow cold.
(sweaters should suffice)
couldn’t be you, though; there’s a tri-color pin
from amazon that’s telling you otherwise.
and sure, you’d never planned on having a him
in the future, but isn’t that what high school’s for?

ii.
give it until the summer, you decide, let’s
watch fireworks and share slushies,
and maybe if you started counting the stars,
you’d never have to talk to him again, and isn’t that the 
healthiest way to make up a mind?
(but you are a supernova, and you are starting to collapse)

iii. 
crying yourself to sleep at night because 
video game characters are more capable of love 
than you. and that’s all you can do, isn’t it, sit in 
bed and waste brainpan on pixels and stories you’ll
never be good enough to tell, to feel. he didn’t deserve this,
and it’s your own fault, you know. he brings you coffee
because he knows you’re depressed, but hell,
it’s because of him.
(not that you’ll tell him that)

iv. 
unloading the dishwasher as the flowers
begin to bloom under weak sunsets, but you want
to sit on the floor and never get up, you want to feel the 
scalding sink water on your hands, let it burn the feeling 
from your fingerprints, toss the dishes to the ground 
and watch them shatter. you want to break something
so bad it hurts, because you’ve never done anything wrong
and shit, it would feel good. your thoughts hit the keys, finally, but 
they’re granite and sand, coarse and removed, 
too formless to stay in one spot; too strong
to be shared; tea, steeped for far too long.

v.
this is the day you waited for, and you’re almost
able to smile. he wants to buy you ice cream, but 
you tell him you’re lactose intolerant
(and at least you didn’t lie this time); 
he has no idea why you’re detached, but he’s about to.
he’ll understand. he’s seen the rainbows you wear too
recklessly; he knew it was a matter of time. 
you talk, and it’s every word you wish you’d said;
you share jokes as you part ways, because
how could you ever mourn a new friend?

 
peep the 5 stages of grief reference.

to be completely honest, i didn't realize i was grieving anything until i sat down and wrote this. 

supernova: a powerful and luminous stellar explosion. when a star runs out of fuel, it collapses in on itself due to the weight of gravity and sends out massive shockwaves, which causes the explosion. 

pin? bi flag. game? witcher 3. coffee? hazelnut. dishes? unharmed. hotel? trivago.
 

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  • June 29, 2020 - 11:37am (Now Viewing)

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10 Comments
  • N.

    thank you!
    and poetri, don't you dare make me cry :' )


    6 days ago
  • poetri

    darling, there will never be a day you aren't my favorite writer on here.
    this piece is a masterpiece.


    6 days ago
  • inanutshell

    this is amazing, the progression between the stanzas are so wonderfully done. also the last line is so final but so much more honest & heartfelt. glad to know everything turned out okay. i also love hazelnut coffee! :)


    7 days ago
  • N.

    aesthetic attraction is exactly the way to put it ;) thank you thank you!


    8 days ago
  • jun lei

    aldjslkdj your message to the reader...i'm so happy everything's ok now. happy pride!!


    8 days ago
  • BurningMidnightOil

    well, then. this is really, really relatable. for the longest time i was confused over whether i was bisexual or sapphic; i’m able to say, “oh, yeah. mmhm, he’s easy on the eyes” and scroll through pinterest from time to time admiring pretty boys, but i’ve never been able to say, “oh yeah, i’d date him”. I can never see myself cuddling a guy. with that aside, i can safely say that i’m gay. i suppose we can all tell if someone is attractive, it’s just the matter of romantic attraction. apparently, when you’re simply attracted to someone’s looks with no sexual/sensual/romantic feelings attached it’s called an “aesthetic attraction”? anyway, my point is, i really related to this piece and i think it’s beyond brilliant. thank you thank you for sharing<3


    8 days ago
  • N.

    thank you for the support sunny.v! and good luck and wishes to you as well- stanza iii is a tough time to be at :)


    8 days ago
  • sunny.v

    ack N. this hit waaaay too close to home :’( why are your pieces always so “slap ya in the face” personal :’)). “ ... coffee because he knows you’re depressed, but hell, it’s because of him.” noooo you summed up your feelings so well (or maybe it’s just because I can understand them?) “ this is the day you waited for, and you’re almost able to smile.” i’m glad at how lighthearted the last stanza is! honestly, i’m just....really happy for you. that seems odd, but i just wish you luck in this new stage of life! i wouldn’t say i’m in the *exact* same situation as you, but i’m currently in, like, stanza iii? wanting to break up with someone gives the suckiest feelings in the WORLD. anyways: from the pink-yellow-blue flag gal, i wish you happiness, dear :).


    9 days ago
  • N.

    thank you! and yes, i saw the opportunity and took it :)


    9 days ago
  • the_enclave

    the ending of that footnote XD. also, i love this piece! the final line "how could you ever mourn a new friend?" was probably my favorite.


    9 days ago