rat in a hat

United States

i'm pretentious and annoying but i think that's okay, i own two lava lamps. i love spider-man, ABBA, anything muppet-related, bill and ted, and john everett millais' rendition of ophelia. i hate sitcom laugh tracks.

chaotic good

Message from Writer

love your friends and be as stupid as you can be <2

bird of the sky, i know you cannot understand

June 27, 2020

FREE WRITING

5
soak me in the soil
let me steep and brew in your soft dirt
completely on the ground, as close to the earth’s core as i can be
if i do not absorb every mineral and nutrient, feel every blade of grass, kiss every bug that crawls my way
how do you expect me to continue living at all?

worms are a symptom of depression, i think
so far underground; they must feel everything much more deeply, more fully than we can comprehend
and i am overwhelmed when i am up here, lying on my bed, so i roll off onto my floor
but that is not far down enough: my room is on the second story.
still i try, i stretch my fingers and every bone and muscle and tendril inside them, reach with all my limbs in every direction
because i am not close enough to the earth to feel every vibration, so i must try to feel everything else
coarse green carpet full of hair and litter and dirt and you would think that would be enough.
it is not.

my windows are open and the cool air is seeping in
the wind gently (carefully, it does not want to bother me. see: i am too still and i am too silent and that is worrying. do the skies know what to make of me? they have not been paying attention, not nearly enough attention. i realize this now, but these are words for another time) brushes over my reddened face, my burning eyes, my buzzing hands, my curled legs
i am just trying to breathe.

don’t come in, come back later.
i am on the floor.
my things are thrown about here (i threw them harshly and carelessly from my bed. see: it is a release. but let’s not discuss this here. i bring up topics i do not want to finish, and i do not know where to stop) as am i, thrown about, that is — the universe has an order but i do not see it so i refuse to replicate it — so instead i am laying here
in this soil i made myself
with my own two hands, my own two feet. 

i am laying here,
and i am trying to breathe.

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  • June 27, 2020 - 12:26pm (Now Viewing)

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3 Comments
  • asta

    i love love love every single word of this! "worms are a symptom of depression"--i laughed out loud. great work!


    5 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Uh wow hehe good stuff


    5 months ago
  • bellairet

    This is incredible! worms, a symptom of depression indeed


    5 months ago