Peer Review by ~wildflower~ (Australia)

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Feed the flames of your burning beauty

By: happy butterfly


FREE WRITING

i'll glue your fragrance on my wrists/to make myself believe you're here/record your voice one last time/before you go/before you leave me/play it on repeat/force my eardrums to memorise your sound/sticks beating to the notes of your voice on wood/the one sound i don't get tired of.

i tried to forget you/to make it easier/erased you from my canvas/the landscape of my life was empty/ dull without your energy/the feeling you radiated/i can still feel it/the hairs on my arms prickle/your burning beauty lit the shadows/your burning beauty set aflame my heart.

i can still feel your laugh/the soundwaves still tap on my chest/let birds swim out from my lungs/my smile your creation/you reflected rainbows into my eyes/your sweet words i will embroid onto blankets to keep me warm.

and i will sew your love onto my dress/i do not like sewing/in fact i hate it/mom forces me to learn/for my own good/pick up thread and needles with heavy groans/but i will sew to keep you alive dear/i will sew to keep you with me dear/i will sew for you dear


 
Improvement journey:take 1
Comments are appreciated!
i tried out writing with "/ " instead of starting on a new line.i don't even know if I did it right?! But ya
also am wondering could you tell that it's about someone you loved  who passed away? 

Peer Review

I loved this piece! The title tells a whole story in itself and you captured the idea of wanting to hold onto someone who is already gone so, so well. And I don’t even think that I have to tell you that the descriptions are AMAZING!! Like, every single one! The whole first paragraph is pure gold. I appreciate the way that you engaged multiple senses to give a very complete picture of the way that this person makes the narrator feel.

I’m curious as to what actually happened to this person. Did they die or was it a breakup? If they did die, then maybe you could somehow subtly emphasise this a little more, as that could be powerful. Maybe you could add something like ‘even if it will not bring you back’ to the end, to end on a darker note and emphasise the lasting heartbreak? Just an idea :)

Reviewer Comments

I am in awe of this piece. Wow - you are an incredibly talented writer.