Peer Review by rainydayz (United States)

Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.

Tap on comment to view. Using a mouse?

Hover over comments to view. On a touch device?


Feed the flames of your burning beauty

By: happy butterfly


FREE WRITING

i'll glue your fragrance on my wrists/to make myself believe you're here/record your voice one last time/before you go/before you leave me/play it on repeat/force my eardrums to memorise your sound/sticks beating to the notes of your voice on wood/the one sound i don't get tired of.

i tried to forget you/to make it easier/erased you from my canvas/the landscape of my life was empty/ dull without your energy/the feeling you radiated/i can still feel it/the hairs on my arms prickle/your burning beauty lit the shadows/your burning beauty set aflame my heart.

i can still feel your laugh/the soundwaves still tap on my chest/let birds swim out from my lungs/my smile your creation/you reflected rainbows into my eyes/your sweet words i will embroid onto blankets to keep me warm.

and i will sew your love onto my dress/i do not like sewing/in fact i hate it/mom forces me to learn/for my own good/pick up thread and needles with heavy groans/but i will sew to keep you alive dear/i will sew to keep you with me dear/i will sew for you dear


 

Improvement journey:take 1
Comments are appreciated!
i tried out writing with "/ " instead of starting on a new line.i don't even know if I did it right?! But ya
also am wondering could you tell that it's about someone you loved  who passed away? 

Peer Review

I loved the writers ability to write something so specific to one persons personal journey in dealing with loss but in a way that it relates to the audience so clearly. I loved the cleverness in word choice throughout the piece. "i'll glue your fragrance on my wrists," it is so much more powerful then saying something like, "i wanted your scent to stay with me" (sorry that my example I just gave is so bad but yours was too good to make one anywhere near as powerful). The part about sewing to keep their image alive is so moving.


I'd like it if there was more elaboration on the process from trying to hold on to them to trying to forget them altogether. For example, you added, "i tried to forget you/to make it easier". I would have liked a few lines maybe showing in your own way what made holding on so hard, but regardless I loved this piece so much!


Reviewer Comments

I thought this was very well thought out and precise, and I cant wait to see what else your writing has in store.