Peer Review by And_The_Stars_Laughed (United States)

Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.

Tap on comment to view. Using a mouse?

Hover over comments to view. On a touch device?


The Girl Who Became a Snail

By: seaomelette


FREE WRITING

I am sitting amongst textbooks,
Piled high like paper turrets
Shelves of redundant information,
Worms of highlighter ink
brightly staining every word.

The going is dull--
My notes resemble the squiggly legs of
a crushed spider,
Lines are no longer lines but
Straggly strands of wet seaweed
I fall asleep.

I awake amongst textbooks,
Enormous tomes trembling on an enormous spanse
of wooden tabletop. 
A desk lamp sprouts ginormously,
Sparks light like a blinding sun.

I have no limbs,
I inch across paper leaving behind
Trails of my own incapability,
Slower than ever, 
Spindly body weeping the
Slime of my own sluggishness.

I realize I have
become the girl who became
a snail.  

I'm not really a poet per se, if the puerile rhymes I wrote when I was younger count as poetry. Nevertheless, I decided to give poetry a try again, as this odd "poem" demonstrates. 

Message to Readers

As I've said in the footnotes, I'm not a great poet, but hey, a girl can try. Please let me know if there's anything I can fix or improve or revise! :)


Peer Review

First off, I love how you use figurative language in this poem. The title, "The Girl Who Became a Snail" is an excellent metaphor. Later on, I was really able to see the impact of this title and the leisurely tone it struck through the poem, especially so when you said "Spindly body weeping the / Slime of my own sluggishness." These lines were really able to put a picture inside my head, and they tied back to the title too -- awesome job! In its entirety, this poem made me feel as if I was sitting inside my school library. Though you talked about objects other than books (ie...notes/highlighters, textbooks, etc...) this poem for some reason really hit me and made me nostalgic for old times, causing me to wish that I could still visit bookstores and libraries and sit in them for hours without the fear of covid-19. I think that the reason I felt this is because of your vivid imagery, such as the lines "Shelves of redundant information," and "Enormous tomes trembling on an enormous spanse." Great work!


If you were to expand this further, I'd love to know more about the specific scene you're in. Maybe consider how it might affect your piece if you told the reader where you are. Are you in a library, at school, studying at home? This may help the reader picture the place better in their heads as well. I also think it'd be cool to expand more on the metaphor of "becoming a snail." I'd ask you to think about the impact it might have on this piece if you wove in references throughout the piece that contribute to "sluggishness," showing how they grow of over the course of the poem and then finally fester at the end when you say "the girl who became a snail." However, feel no need to take these suggestions. :)


Reviewer Comments

Overall, this was a really fun piece to read and review!! I love the title and the metaphor that carries through with it, it really expands the poem!! Nice work! :)
If you ever have any questions, about this review, or about Write the World in general, feel free to let me know, I'd be happy to help! In the meantime, keep writing! :)