four things i realized in therapy about my self worth

i.
my self worth is measured in terms of perfection. i expect myself to do everything perfectly. be the perfect friend, say the perfect thing to make someone feel better. i expect to be perfect so i don't let down other people. because maybe if i'm a perfect person, no one will see what's wrong with me.

ii.
when i'm not perfect, it's like disappointing everyone, including myself. i shouldn't have done that. i should have done this differently. the thoughts never leave my mind, and every time i fail, my self worth goes down and down. i get stuck in a loop of failure and imperfection until i've hit rock bottom.

iii.
it will never be enough. i know i can't be perfect, so i try to be better than before, and it will never be enough because i cannot be perfect. so i'll try and try, always falling because whenever i don't go up, i give up trying. it's like running a never-ending treadmill that's just a little too fast for you, and you can't to reach the other side, but you keep expecting to reach it so you jump and end up farther back than before.

iv.
i know some of you will relate to this, and i tell you this: we can work on this together. no, i don't know how to get that voice in my head to stop telling me i'm worthless if i fail. but that's no reason to give up, so keep pushing through with me and maybe someday we look at ourselves and think, hey, i'm doing good today. someday we can learn that we can't get to the other side of that treadmill, and we can enjoy what we have where we're at.