avoiding the big bang

United States

writes abt: books, cats, and self-deprecation
anti -isms and -phobias

Message to Readers

i'm not entirely sure what this is. it started mostly as a journal entry - i use notes app as a kind of diary, but for some reason i got really into this one; i started editing it and making it a better piece of writing, just for the hell of it. this very real for me, and completely true. i'm not seeking peer reviews on this one but i would be interested in hearing what you have to say, just in the comments or something.

On Faith?

June 24, 2020


    My pessimistic quarantine-driven take on the annoyances of a smart society has been that humans were much better as simpler creatures, where they weren’t jammed with societal overload and they lived in happiness.  There was suffering that accompanied living naturally, of course, but suffering is an unavoidable element of God’s world.  Even if you live in the world we do today, where everything has a vaccine or can be cured in a hospital, misery worms its way in - depression, anxiety, the never-ending quest to have things you don’t have.  It’s Homo sapiens, the same as in its primitive form but now everything is smarter, so instead of living blindly, simply, and happily, we live in an exhausting field plagued with never-ending ideology battles and questions with unsolvable answers.
    This is take that is neither healthy nor is it useful.  It may not be correct either.  In a recent journal entry I scrawled some note about how I hope to work my inner conflict with the Homo sapiens race out throughout my life, with the help of God.  It felt falsely hopeful; worse, it brought out that uncomfortable aspect of my world view that is my religion.  Very few people know of my faith - that’s to say, pretty much no one knows, but it feels more public because I’ve consulted a few random strangers on the Internet about it, as well as all of my unhealthy number of imaginary friends.  The reason that nobody knows about my spiritual viewpoint is that there isn’t an obvious reason for me to hold the view I do.  My parents are agnostic - my mom’s maybe a little more spiritual with my dad a little more atheist - and all of my friends treat religion like a modern, edgy running joke, as do most teenagers I know.  Other people also seem to take religious introspection more seriously than I do.  The one time I spoke vaguely to my mom about faith, she seemed astounded at me.  For me, questioning the atheist view I’d been brought up with was like questioning heterosexuality - an unavoidable aspect of growing up, plagued by political background, with maybe the slight trying-to-be-edgy-and-cool aspect that often occurs in youth.
    At age twelve I became really interested in religion; I was going to friends’ bat mitzvahs and watching rabbis recite words that evidently held otherworldly truth for them.  I had heard speeches on the Internet about how people found solace in themselves and their surroundings through God.  Some part of me craved that level of complete understanding and faith; so, in a cringey twelve-year-old fashion, I decided to adopt religion overnight.  I wrote in my journal about how great God was and how much I loved Him.  Completely ridiculous.  For my preadolescent self, faith was just one of those cool things that I wanted to own.  As with most trends, it died quickly.  The entire time I had experimented with faith, some part of me had felt, deep down, that it was all really a joke still - a nice idea that absolutely no merit, just as I had been taught.  And yet questions about the universe and its meaning dogged me, and I thought again and again about this pretend God.  I thought about the big bang, the universe appearing just like that, and the glorious yet terrible nature of being.  I again decided that there was a God, and felt more secure in thinking it this time - God was the reason for everything around me.
    My faith has been there for years, but it’s always felt delicate and fractured, in danger of abandoning me.  I continually struggle with the questions that remain unsolved.  And there is constant doubt, a recurring thought of But come on, do you really believe that?  It feels like a mind puzzle, and my mind responds, I do.  We've tried to solve this puzzle before and this is the answer we got.  We're not going through this again.
    So I struggle with my pessimistic viewpoint of what humanity is, but if I concentrate too long on “what God’s telling me” the entire thing feels performative and fake, another attempt to suddenly become a “religious person.”  (Performative culture is another problem with the informational overload I mentioned earlier!)  I wish, constantly, that I could have more faith, a stronger relationship with the spiritual in which I could seek guidance.  I know that a closer, more strongly held belief in God could help me in so many ways to overcome challenges; it doesn’t even matter if that God is real or not.  In some ways, religion feels very much like ignorance to me still - and how I wish I could be ignorant!  When I was twelve I thought it was as simple as taking a medication to go to religion, but a pill can be swallowed down all at once.  Instinct has longevity.
    I would like faith to be important to me.  In reality I rarely think about God.  I fear that when I grow older I’ll disregard the idea with another “pfffff” and the idea will disappear completely.
    I do believe in the spiritual, but when looking at God I’m afraid to blink for fear He’ll disappear.


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  • June 24, 2020 - 9:16pm (Now Viewing)

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  • Spade

    Faith is trusting that God will bring you through the storms and the peace. I understand the struggle of doubting God's existence. My personal doubt was how a loving God could allow such misery. The answer was simple. Free will. In giving humanity free will, the all-knowing God allowed us to reject him. God even knew we (as humans) would turn away from Him. So, why would he allow that? He loved us so much that He didn't want us to be robots. Think about it. Without free will, we wouldn't be able to make choices. We couldn't decide if we love writing or hate writing. Life would just be going through the motions.

    John 3: 16
    For God so loved the world the He sent His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him, shall not perish, but have everlasting life.

    5 months ago
  • erin!

    i can relate a lot to your thoughts! i sometimes find myself praying, even though i was raised in an atheist household. i think it's natural to think about faith and spirituality, and what ever conclusion you to come to is yours to hold and apply. i love to learn about theology, but at this point in my life im just not sure if i have have room for it to be a core part of who i am. loved the entry, it really made me think!

    5 months ago
  • rainydayz

    hello the link you left on my page didnt work :( would you be able to send another comment on that post (so I will be notified) of the name of the piece you would like reviewed.

    5 months ago
  • outoftheblue

    this is quite an eye-opening read. i guess i can also relate to some aspects of this piece, like atheism sort of becoming a 'trend' after a while. (i have a close friend that is)
    additionally, i've struggled so much with matters of faith and religion and what to believe in. my parents are hindu, which is why that's the religion i've grown up with. but there's so, so many things i don't understand about hinduism or even disagree with, like the treatment of women and casteism.
    thank you for sharing your thoughts!

    5 months ago
  • Deleted User

    Same, I didn't know much about religions either. This is a great piece! Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

    5 months ago
  • birthdaycandles

    i get what you mean. i'm a catholic and i don't like to speak too much about my religion a lot to other people, mostly because i feel like i get judged for it, and i've lost friends for it before as well. it's funny to hear someone say they think that faith is cool, or used to be. where i'm from, it's seen more as a thing that the older generation believe in. i find it hard to be a young person in the faith sometimes, because even though i know God is in my heart, i still feel lonely sometimes. people don't think it is cool and there are few people my own age i ever see at masses etc. having a relationship with God is like a wavy line for me sometimes, i fall away sometimes and then i'll come back, main point being i always come back. from me to you, i hope you find some solace eventually (as sunny below me said) and God bless you.

    5 months ago
  • sunny.v

    a very interesting read! would it be weird to say that maybe i think you know i also have a bit of a tango with Christianity from our shared opinion sharing on another user’s Questions about Christianity? aaah it probably is but in short: lovely journal entry. faith is complicated for some. i hope you find happiness, whatever path you’ll take in this journey, and i wish you luck. i don’t think it’s all as black and white as it seems, if that’s any solace, well, at least it isn’t for me. anyways: good luck, again!

    5 months ago