asta

India

she/her (tme)

if we were both frogs would you sit on a lily pad with me

Message to Readers

good night girls and gays

some small, uncharted star

June 25, 2020

FREE WRITING

29

(tw: homophobia, mild suicidal thoughts)

you're sixteen when you kiss a man for the first time.

it's wrong, it's unholy, you know that, but it feels nice. it feels like it's meant to be.

you think god will forgive you for it, just this once. 

-

you're nineteen when you sneak out of your house, when you make your way down the streets, feeling the cold sink into your bones. 

the bar is right where the lady said it would be, and you stop outside. a couple stumbles out, and warm light streaks out onto the pavement. you stare at them, your heart thundering in your chest. one of the men breaks apart and looks at you, smiling. he seems kind. 

you run.

-

you're twenty-one when your mother finds out.

you remember the twist of her mouth, the disapproval that lingers behind her eyes.

you swallow the lump in your throat and hold her gaze, pleading.

she looks away first, and it feels like a betrayal, like something in your ribs has given way, like the burning in your eyes. you blink the tears away. you will not break, not here, not now.

she doesn't tell your father, and that is the last kindness she will ever offer you.

-

you're thirty-one, but the years haven't softened you yet. you're still sharp-edged, still hurt, still longing. you wonder if you will ever stop being angry, and you fear the day you do. your rage seems like the only thing that's keeping you alive, these days. 

you like being alive.

don't you?

-

you're thirty-five when you fall in love.

you hope he'll smooth you out, and he doesn't.

you hope it'll be like a fairytale, and it isn't.

when you tell him this, he laughs and says he'll love you better in real life, anyway. 

you believe him.

-

you're sixty-five when you look down at your hands, and think oh.

they're wrinkled, liver-spotted, and you--

you didn't think you'd get this far.

you're both older now, quieter, and this is a fuller life, a softer life. you wish you could tell that young boy that his life will not be spent angry and aching, that someone will warm him on cold nights and rub his feet when they ache, that you will love your husband all the more now, for the wrinkles in his eyes, for the softness of his belly. 

you lean down to kiss him, and it's right, it's blessed, it--

it feels like it's meant to be.









 
i've been struggling to write this piece, because i wanted so badly to make it hopeful and happy and good. it's hard to write those things, when the world is so determined to burn, but i hope i succeeded (in the end at least, the middle got real angsty). it makes me so happy to see older queer couples. it gives me hope, to know that they lived and loved, to know i'm not alone, to know i'll never be alone. happy pride, everyone. stay strong, stay safe, stay proud. 

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  • June 25, 2020 - 1:39pm (Now Viewing)

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13 Comments
  • FizzyBaguette

    I think everyone else has said something similar, but the feels!!! The angst!!! The ending!!! it's beautiful :') (tears caused by reading something so beautiful)


    5 months ago
  • rainandsonder

    lgbt stories with happy endings absolutely destroy me (in a good way), and this piece may or may not have made me a little emotional at the end there. this is so powerful, and seriously, fantastic work here!


    5 months ago
  • sunny.v

    your pfp is so cute what the ;-; yes your honor it’s this one...


    5 months ago
  • jun lei

    i! love! your! new! pfp!
    did you draw it?


    5 months ago
  • Charisse Marison

    This is adorable. Sad, sweet, just so full of emotion! I love this so much, you are an incredible writer. Happy pride :)


    5 months ago
  • Wicked!

    I made it through the piece without crying but your footnotes, damn :') Beautiful piece!


    5 months ago
  • ElsaRee

    WONDERFUL!


    5 months ago
  • fatpanda

    this is the fourth time the lgbt folks made me cry today asta you're doing great


    5 months ago
  • pineapples

    it took me a second read to fully understand this (not saying i ~fully~ understand it, but,,,)
    i think jun lei put it very well: this piece aches in a way that speaks volumes.
    i can't think of a way to put it better :)


    5 months ago
  • inanutshell

    i immediately had to reread this to experience this all over again. love the time jumps, the different lens of looking at the same experience adds so much more nuance to this piece. the ending is so heartwarming, i love this.


    5 months ago
  • jun lei

    i love the way this aches quietly yet speaks volumes. it has a sort of soft joy to it, if that makes sense.
    yes! queer older couples make me so happy. i saw two men at my library while shelving; they were reading to their son and it made me so happy lmao.


    5 months ago
  • sunny.v

    asta i think i nearly cried. it just hit too close to home. “ you wonder if you will ever stop being angry, and you fear the day you do. your rage seems like the only thing that's keeping you alive, these days. ” stop stop stop you have too much power over my heart. the beauty/pain of this...asta ;-;.
    “ you're both older now, quieter, and this is a fuller life, a softer life. you wish you could tell that young boy that his life will not be spent angry and aching, that someone will warm him on cold nights and rub his feet when they ache, that you will love your husband all the more now, for the wrinkles in his eyes, for the softness of his belly. ” NOOOOO THEYRE SO HAPPY....
    “ it gives me hope, to know that they lived and loved, to know i'm not alone, to know i'll never be alone. happy pride, everyone. stay strong, stay safe, stay proud.” i feel you, love. i really do. we’ll be happy one day, alright? i know it. it might take a while, but...we’ll, for now, happy pride, asta. happy pride. <3


    5 months ago
  • lindsmariebuck

    You did a great job of giving this story a happy ending (the middle of any good story should be angsty)! This is amazing.


    5 months ago