chrysanthemums&ink

United States

ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴡᴏʀʀʏ 'ʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴛᴏᴍᴏʀʀᴏᴡ ᴀɴʏᴍᴏʀᴇ.

Message to Readers

congrats, if you've read through this, then you've read through smth longer than my food essay (congrats btw!). word count can go jump off a cloud.

so i've been wanting to do a piece like this for a long time but drew a blank until last night at 2 (dodges fruit) yes this is '2am' writing which means it's unedited, unrevised, and full of grammatical errors yay! so why today to release this? well i heard today was 'questioning' day in the pride calender and i thought, "why not". so yeah, kinda confused rn. dunno if i'm making something out of nothing or if it's nothing but actually something. i just don't know. oh well, enjoy this ig.

happy pride! and if you're questioning *shrugs helplessly* idk either but you're not alone. ;]

pretty boy: pretty girl

June 27, 2020

FREE WRITING

11

dear pretty boy, do you remember? 
when the sun stained our chubby fingers, fat with youth and sand rusting off of monkey bars. when you talked to me for the first time
your eyes, longing as they reached for a place unreachable. my eyes, lonely as i clambered for your companionship 
maybe your words sang out of your mouth and i stole the music greedily from your tongue. and maybe you minded just a little bit but i didn't mind at all. and maybe you disliked me at first, i'll never know. first encounters tasted sweeter after a few years of fermentation
we mistreated each other. laughing laughing throwing balls at my head and throwing punches at your shoulders but back then i drew laughter from your lips so easily
    i thought so at least 
yes, we definitely mistreated each other, and although i apologized two years later for something that didn't need to be forgiven, you didn't apologize at all 
i didn't mind. in my mind there was nothing for you to apologize for
we ran into each other often and soon i maybe realized that i 
liked you, no that couldn't be right because everyone made fun of me in elementary school for maybe bringing you up in conversation too often but god
i liked you
told you last summer, pause in our relationship. wanted to be the brave one who could tell it to your face but no, i was a coward and spilled my heart onto blue text messages and long pregnant silences
my friends teased us both. i blamed her for bringing up old wounds and not taking it seriously and i still do because maybe if we had both ignored each other it would be better because you 
accused me of only moving tables to look at you when i thought i was helping someone out a friend and i had never felt so 
bare and it hurt
we had never really been close but i missed your occasional companionship and the way you so easily made me smile like that time you prank called me at that orchestra field trip
i wanted to call you beautiful, pretty pretty boy with plump lips the right shape for kissing and how i wanted to apply grape chapstick to them because you once said your lips were too dry and because your favorite flavor was grape is it still grape? i was stupid so stupid
god, i wanted to hold your nightmares and kiss them until they smiled away and sing away your insecurities to the stars. i wanted to love you. i really did
we shared too many classes and it was hard to keep my eyes off and not wonder what my hands would feel around your waist and how smoothly your name rolled off my tongue and how you were so beautiful
i soaked up your attention and you spat mine out 
    "she keeps looking at me" 
behind my back and again i was cold and it hurt you know. it hurt a lot and so i just
stopped 
looking 
only pitching in when you wanted and i think that kinda worked kinda maybe sealing up my feelings for you and leaving them to rot wasn't that much of a bad idea
maybe we'll never get back to the way things once were, i'm sorry. at least now i know though, that no, we were never 'friends' but we could speak to each other and maybe shoot some soft bullets at each other, nice 
and maybe i don't like you as much anymore but i don't think i ever quite got your chapped lips out of my head and or resisted when you asked me for a favor or stopped feeling unbearably happy when you called my name and maybe i just wished that
we could be friends. 

dear pretty girl, do you remember? 
we met, anxious bodies squeezed between blinding yellow lights and smooth manilla floorboards, the gym holding us hostage in breathlessness and bright eyes 
i think she was wearing glasses. she's grown out of them now, of course, but i won't forget her black frames and how her cheeks stretched around her bubblegum blue braces, soprano voice saying
    "what's your name" 
i offered it to her in cupped hands, in reserved but curious glances. she gave hers back with a sort of inimitable enthusiasm, radiant chatter, yes, she was radiant
it was easy for sixth grade girls to become friends and easier for them to keep it that way
seventh grade came, drowsy eyed volleyball girls waking up at 6:00 to rush to morning practice and of course we were
partners 
until our coach split us up, of course
    we joked later that she thought that we were maybe, a little too close. maybe
i remember it, the embarrassed wrinkle in her cheeks when the entire history class teased her for wearing her boyfriend's hoodie and how sometimes she acted like a preschooler, voice rising in pitch until we laughed breathlessly with the rest of our table group
cute
and lastly i remember those two days 
petrichor seeping through the plasticky bus window, our backpacks huddled together in the corner of the bus seat and our bodies, pressed together in school hoodies and the carefully concealed nervousness of the basketball game
sweet shampoo, cradling her head in my hands as she slept restlessly, i took stuttering breaths as to not disturb her slumber with my chest
it was warm 
the next moment at an academic meet, staying conscious for hours, the visibly buzzing anxiety of the pending results, awards unearned
again she rested her head on my thighs and i carded my fingers gingerly through her tangled brown locks, pretending i didn't smell her candy conditioner lingering on my hand after the announcer called us to attention 
i wonder if she slept. i wonder if she was as comfortable as i was
our friends shipped us of course, maybe an invasion of privacy. i dismissed the idea but i still thought about it. after all 
i had married her in october to get a ring pop and maybe i had pretended like it didn't sting just a little when she gave it away and married her other friends too just to get more candy or how 
she surrounded herself with so many people and maybe i was just a familiar face in the crowd and maybe 
it hurt when i realized that she might've meant more to me than me to her 
it was easy for sixth grade girls to become friends, but i couldn't help myself but to wonder if 
i had ever wanted something more than that
 

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  • June 27, 2020 - 3:01am (Now Viewing)

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9 Comments
  • The Midnight One

    Wow, what a bittersweet but wonderful piece, the language is so beautiful, and that end, oh gosh wow!! I can definitely relate to questioning, as I did for several years, still do sometimes. Best o' luck in your journey :D

    Also, may I ask to write a poem my experience with questioning, but not similar your style in any way? I feel very inspired :D


    5 months ago
  • rainandsonder

    i love this type of poetry, brutally honest and sort of like a vignette. i’m no longer questioning but i wish you the best in figuring things out! excellent piece!


    5 months ago
  • mia_:)

    wow! so good! the formatting was really interesting and you balanced these really beautiful figurative language bits with the right amount of pure emotion. the whole questioning bit really resonated with me and you're not alone! <3 there are so many bits that i love, but especially the ring pop line really got me. it's funny, bittersweet, and also conveys so much more than you say. you are truly a master, chrys! i have a lot to learn! <3<3<3 *mwah*


    5 months ago
  • løne wølf

    *bangs head against table* How do you freaking do these kinds of pieces? They're so beautiful and so powerful, and your word choice and imagery makes me speechless. You are a legend <3


    5 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    "i soaked up your attention and you spat mine out
    "she keeps looking at me"
    behind my back and again i was cold and it hurt you know. it hurt a lot and so i just
    stopped
    looking"
    I feel called out this is exactly what happened with an old crush of mine XD. HE STARTED IT. *definitely isn't still annoyed*
    Anyway, this is so good!!! I'm gonna use the excuse that I'm not qualified to compliment it because I can't think of anything to do it justice.


    5 months ago
  • sunny.v

    (also: i’m not questioning bc i do have things figured out but from what it seems like: you’ve touched a lot of people that are! <3 )


    5 months ago
  • outoftheblue

    "god, i wanted to hold your nightmares and kiss them until they smiled away and sing away your insecurities to the stars." I- this is just breathtaking. just so effortless and raw and real.
    "it hurt when i realized that she might've meant more to me than me to her" this resonated with me so deeply.
    i've been questioning as well, for quite some time now, so you know chrys you're not alone and we do have time to figure this out <3


    5 months ago
  • sunny.v

    “ i had married her in october to get a ring pop” LOLLLL this was strangely relatable. this whole thing was just so..bittersweet? so coming of age and summertime sadness in its vibe? man , I dig it and I dig it even more bc it’s for pride. questioning is alright :) a lot of us went thru/are going thru that stage *shrugs* seems natural to me! you display it so well :’)


    5 months ago
  • inanutshell

    o man, didn't even realise this was kinda long until i scrolled up to look at your 'message to readers'. this just flowed really well. your story with the boy is almost exactly like mine w/ my first crush wayyy back then, and similarly, 'first encounters tasted sweeter after a few years of fermentation' (love that line btw). recently been doing a lot of questioning as well, so your inner monologue during the 'pretty girl' section really resonated with me. the ending, 'it was easy for sixth grade girls to become friends, but i couldn't help myself but to wonder if i had ever wanted something more than that' is so full of yearning, it's never easy questioning feelings and emotions but sometimes this part's necessary to figure out the grander picture, i.e. who we are and what we want. this comment turned out kinda long but glad to know we're not alone in this :)


    5 months ago